L didn't leave my side even if I have already stopped crying. Pero nanatili lang akong nakatulala. Magkatabi kaming nakaupo sa gilid ng kama na kaharap ng bintana. I was looking outside but my mind is somewhere. Si L ay tahimik lang sa tabi ko. These are the times when I'm thankful na hindi sya palasalita.
Ever since that the EL Ordre had caught me, there wasn't any minute or second na hindi ko naiisip ang mga kasalanan ko. I wanted to laugh 'cause I'm actually thankful to them. Dahil kung hindi nila ako nahuli at pina-realize ang mga kasalanan ko, baka habangbuhay akong maging oblivious sa lahat.
And it's scary. Na hindi ko man lang naisip na may nagdudusa nang dahil sa akin.
That time when I hacked the airplane where Artemis Gallagher is, hindi ko rin inisip ang magiging kahihinatnan ng lahat. All I did was to obey the Queen's orders. Kahit na maraming mga pasahero ang madadamay ay ginawa ko pa rin ang utos nya. Thanks to L and Tracer because they stopped me.
Baka mas lalo kong hindi kayanin kapag mas marami pa ang nadamay noon.
I took a deep breath and sighed. Pero kasabay noon ay ang pamumuo ng luha sa mga mata ko. I pursed my lips, trying to stop the tears from falling. I wanted to tell L everything in a calm way.
"Before I met the Queen, I feel like I was just a nameless kid. Isang putok sa buhok. My mother died when she gave birth to me and I didn't know anything about my father. Wala din kasing alam si Papa tungkol sa kanya "
Nang magsimula akong magkwento ay nanginginig pa ang boses ko. But I still continued. Dahil mas maiiyak lang ako kapag nanahimik ako at isipin ang mga kasalanan ko.
"That's why when the Queen came into my life and told me everything about my father, I was very thankful. Finally, nasagot na rin ang malaking tanong sa pagkatao ko. Finally, hindi na ako putok sa buhok. Kasi kahit na inampon ako ni Papa at itinuring na anak, ang hirap pa rin. There's always a question about myself and the Queen answered all of that."
Nilingon ko si L na mataman na nakatingin sa akin at tahimik lang na nakikinig. I smiled bitterly and fought the urge to cry. This is the first time that I told someone about this. I didn't know that it'll hurt when you're opening up to someone. But also relieve that there's someone who's willing to listen to you.
"I did everything that she said and everything that she wanted. Masaya ako na nababayaran ko ang pagbuo nya sa pagkatao ko. I was happy like a fool. I didn't stop following her orders. But later on, I realized that even if I'm a Knight, for her, I was just a Pawn." I smiled bitterly. "Pero hindi ko pinansin. Masaya akong napaglilingkuran ko sya. 'Cause for me, I owe her everything."
Tears ran down my face. Umangat ang kamay ni L para hulihin ang mga kumawalang luha sa mga mata ko. I didn't stop him. Ayokong mawala ang isip ko sa pagkukwento kaya hinayaan ko lang sya.
I want him to know me. I want him to know my side even if I know that it wouldn't justify the things that I did. I just want L to know about me.
"Habang ginagawa ko ang mga iyon, hindi ko naisip ang mga taong maaapektukhan. I was just doing it without thinking. Nasanay na rin akong sundin ang mga utos ng Queen."
Marahan ang paghaplos ni L sa mukha ko. Magaan lang ang kamay nyang nagpupunas sa mga luha ko. Parang natatakot na mas lalo pa akong masaktan kapag napadiin ang hawak nya. It made want to cry.
"Hindi ko alam na halos masira na pala ang buhay ng isang tao dahil sa mga bagay na akala ko ay simple lang." I sobbed and another batch of tears fell from my eyes again. I saw L looked so hurt while looking at me. "I was even proud of my skill. I was so proud that I'm the best and only tracker of Red Faction. That they wouldn't be able to function without me. I was so fucking proud when in fact, I should be ashamed of it."
