Spark in the darkness (Inspired by Why Don't We)

7. Unfilled dreams

When I came home, I greeted my parents with an evidence of smile on my face. "Hi." I told them, hugging my mum.

She was absolutely surprised and when I let her go, she was wiping away the tears of happiness out of her eyes. She carressed my cheek and said lovingly. "Hello, my Emma." I smiled and went to change into my clothes for home.

I decided to wear my old dark blue t-shirt and some grey sweatpants. When I came downstairs to have dinner with my parents, I caught them looking at me. I could tell that they noticed the little change in me and they couldn't keep their smiles down.

I felt so bad that I wanted to take my life, because I realized how much they loved me. I just didn't let them be there for me. I promised myself that I would be a good daughter for them from now and never, NEVER tell them about the day when I almost commited suicide.

My parents were having a small talk about work, while I was wondering how was it possible that I was so hungry. I asked my mum. "Mum, do you think I could get another portion? Just a small one."

Her eyes started watering, while she almost capsized the pot with the pasta in a desperate urge to feed me with another portion. She said. "Of course, you can have how much food you want. You need it, you have lost weight." She said caringly.

I looked down at myself and realized that she was right. I never stopped eating after Cay's death, but the truth was that I lost my appetite. I was always a very slim tall girl, but it's a big deal when you lose three kilograms when you had only 54 kilograms before you lost it.

When we finished the meal, I helped my mum put the plates in the dishwasher. Even this small action of me that I used to do all the time when my brother was alive made me feel useful again. After that, I headed to my room, because for one day I was feeling exhausted of all the conversation.

I lied myself down on the bed and let my mind wander around freely. My eyes dropped to the photos that were hung over the opposite wall. It was covered with photos of me and Cay, our family and Ashley and Mike, my two best friends.

However, there were also photos of the nature in the sun light, a tree at a sunset and others. These photos were taken by me, because before Cay lost his young life, I was very passionate about photography.

I smiled sadly when I remembered my biggest dream, to win the photography contest in my town and get a scholarship for the best university that offered specialization on photography.

The dream disappeared with Cay, because without his faith in me, I lost the passion for photography I used to have. I started to doubt about my photos, about my ability to play the piano, about myself. I lost faith in myself.

And I was afraid to start doing things I used to like, because it would remind me of Cay. But I was also aware that I couldn't avoid it forever. I had to break and overcome my fears one day.

In that moment I heard a soft knock on the door and heard my mom's voice. "Darling, can I come in?" She asked like she was afraid that I would say no. I said. "Of course."

She sat herself on the bed beside me and started. "Emma, sweetheart, you wear today a different colour than black, you helped me with the dishes and all...Does it mean that you're feeling better?" She asked, the hope in her voice almost touchable.

I gave her a small smile and said. "I don't know, mama. I think I have to accept it, but it's so hard." I felt the tears in my eyes.

My mom stroked my hair and said. "I think you should slowly start living again. Do the things you like, for example."

I looked at her and suddenly blurted. "Mom, do you think it's possible to feel better thanks to a person I didn't know before?"

She smiled. "Yes, I think it's very common that a person who didn't know you before some particular situation can help you find your way again better than the ones who you're surrounded by every day. It's because they are new to you and can make you look at the problem from a different perspective, because they see it in unbiased way." She then looked at me and smiled. "You met someone new?"