they always said it gets better. i've heard that all my life, every time things got bad or a little too hard to handle. the more i heard it the less i believed it, i always wondered why things didn't get better for me. why i'm stuck in a constant loop of getting hurt and trying to heal before it happens again. i have felt i am at the end of the wick for a long time now, just living everyday as it goes and preparing myself for the next heartache.
i decided to shut myself off permanently, it would take time but in my head it seemed better to stop feeling for people than to feel deeply and then get hurt. i didn't want to get hurt anymore. even if it meant not feeling temporary happiness, it wasn't worth the risk.
i was so wrong. i was so incredibly wrong. today i'm smiling and getting butterflies. i'm having to contain my excitement and happiness instead of fear or sadness. i realized today that the past few weeks have shown me what happiness is, have shown me that i can really be happy without having to live in fear. i never would have thought for a second that i'd get to feel this. i still can't convince myself that i deserve it but i'm working on it day by day.
it gets better, it gets so much better. i risked so much, lost love, lost complete faith in everything, and i went miles out of my comfort zone just for change. i am so thankful for the memories i've made recently and the people i've gotten to know deeply in the past few weeks.
