it hurts knowing how replaceable i am. seeing my friends be happy with or without me. seeing all of them have their own inside jokes, hobbies i was excluded from, and calls. it just hurts to see that and know ive been left out. i don't see myself as ever being a first choice, or have i ever been treated as such. all i wanted was to be involved and have friends since i've never really had that, but i mess up in ways i didn't see and now i'm still paying for it when they see everything as okay. i don't expect them to understand or see why i feel this way, i don't want them to feel that. i just want the treatment they give each other. i want the friendship we used to all have.
