Borahae (BTS reverse harem)✔️

Wings

Long days turn into long weeks, and I finally begin to make peace with my new life without the guys. Not that I'm happy. Far from it, actually. But I do manage to put my energy into something more than just obsessing about them day in and day out. I make a plan for what to do with my newly obtained wealth. And I slowly build up the courage to act on it.

While I genuinely love teaching, I want to take it a step further. I want to help children who have been bullied, abused, and outcasted. I want to create the type of safe space that I wish existed when I was just a girl. A place that I could be proud of. A place that I think the guys would be proud of too.

Of course, giving a dream wings is much easier said than done. There are permits, rental contracts, licenses, certifications. There's staff, equipment, furniture, and about a billion other things that keep me busy until I crash at night.

But it doesn't make me better.

Executing my plan keeps me busy—sure. But it does nothing to make me miss them any less. Because half a dozen times a day, I think to myself, "I wonder if Yoongs would like this idea." Or, "I bet Hobi would love this style." Or, "I'm sure Jinnie would appreciate this."

And I forget.

For one fleeting second, I forget that they're gone...that they're out of my life. And within that tiny, fractured moment in time, I start to pull out my phone to ask them a question or take a picture to show them. And when I remember—when I'm snatched back to reality by my tattered heartstrings—I'm pummeled by a fresh wave of hurt that nearly brings me to my knees on its impact.

Luckily, Rocky is right by my side every step of the way and is my biggest cheerleader. This project won't just be for me—it's for him too. So many young people are bullied and neglected because of their sexuality or gender identity. Having someone on board who is a strong, unrelenting voice for those too meek to speak for themselves and who has also faced his fair share of discrimination is imperative. So we've also enlisted the help of Rocky's friend and fellow Marine, Shane—the same guy who let Hoseok and me into the nightclub to have a good, paparazzi-free time. I definitely want to include more influential members of the community, but for now, I'm confident that the three of us will make magic happen. And I'm glad to have good people around me to pick me up when I inevitably stumble.

My one glimmer of optimism is that while I may be swallowing down my suffering, the boys seem to be genuinely happy. Or close to it, anyway. After their hiatus, the seven of them went on a ten-day trip together to film their wildly popular travel reality show. Then they jumped right into rehearsals for their upcoming, highly-anticipated concert. They're back to being active on social media and even vlogged their individual vacations.

Joonie traveled to Europe to explore museums and art galleries. He seemed to fit right in with all those priceless pieces of art. He went bike riding and ate well at amazing Michelin star restaurants. And while I'm sure he worked on music, it was great to see him relax and just be Joon. Not RM, genius lyricist and the leader of the world's biggest pop sensation. I love all sides of him but Joon...Joon is the man of my dreams. Joon is compassionate and kind and dominating and sexy and just...everything. And I'm glad he's letting people in to see that more and more. I'm glad he's realizing that he deserves to spread his wings and explore his passions outside the writing and producing.