I'm Gay but...

Confused 2

Before anything else, I would like to apologize. Sorry guys!

So here it is.

***

Hinatid ko si Cass sa kanyang tinutuluyang condo after we ate lunch. Past 3 PM na ng makauwi ako sa amin. I am really confused, as usual! Pero iba to eh, I'm worried about Rocky, I want to see her and I want to be with her. There! I just admit it.

I think I need to make sure everything before making an action, before making a move. Ayaw ko namang magpadalos dalos dahil lang sa nararamdaman ko. What if I'm wrong? What if hindi naman talaga? Pero pano kung oo? What if I'm really falling for her? Damn!

Hindi ako pumasok ng two days, yes very unlikely pero I need time. I need space from Tamara or Aki, and also from Rocky. I need time for myself. I need to console myself. I need to be independent and I also need to fix things.

Rocky once told me na huwag kong takasan ang problema bagkus harapin ko ito and that is what I'm trying to do, kasi yun naman talaga ang dapat gawin. I need to make a decision.

After two days, pumasok na ako. I asked Lulu kung asan si Rocky kasi gusto kong kausapin sya, pero unfortunately ilang araw na din siyang hindi pumapasok.

That day didn't go well. Tamara is so demanding of time. Jowa ko ba sya? Yes, bestfriend ko sya pero can't she see? I'm not in the mood. 

"Ano bang problema?!" Sigaw nito sa akin.

I simply rolled my eyes. Does she even know that I'm gay? Or nahahalata nya man lang ba? Bestfriend ko sya yet I don't feel it at all. Maybe isa na lang sya sa nakaraan ko, siguro hindi nya makakasundo ang hinaharap ko. Not even my present.

"You know what Tamara, at this moment I don't even care if you're the real Aki or not." Malumanay na pahayag ko dito. Yep, I'm trying to calm myself.

"W-what?! Wait, are you questioning me? Naniniwala kang hindi ako si Aki?" She doesn't even understand me.

"Hindi ko kinukwestiyon ang pagkatao mo o pagiging Aki mo. All I want to tell you is that I don't fucking care anymore. You're part of my past, my childhood, but not of my present. Ayaw ko ng lokohin ang sarili ko Tamara."

"So what? What do you mean?" Naiiyak na tanong nito. Ayaw ko syang saktan pero ayaw ko na rin syang lokohin.

"I..i don't want to be your best friend anymore."