Tangled in South Park

One Step at a Time

It has been four days, four whole days, since Kenny succumbed to the disease that had taken hold of his body. Four days since I woke up in the hospital chair next to his bed and saw that he had left a note for me, but that his body had already been taken out. His letter to me sits unopen on my desk among all my art things that I have put off until my eyes don't feel like letting tears spill out of them anymore. The letter than I know he wants me to read before too much time passes. He's probably looking down at me right at now begging me to open it up and read what he wrote for me. I just can't bring myself to do it.

Two days have passed since Kenny's viewing and funeral. At some point my mother had gone out and got black dresses for Karen, Ashlynn, and I to wear to these saddening events. As I stood next to Karen, tears running down my cheeks each time a person stepped up to us offering condolences, I couldn't help but think about what Kenny would be saying to me. That I look beyond beautiful in my little black dress, and that he can't wait to see me out of it. It didn't help my heart to imagine those things, but it was better than all the other thoughts that were invading my head. Karen clung to me for most of the time. It felt good to know that she needed me during this hard time. That we can help each other as we grieve.

There were a lot of people that came through that I didn't know at all, which makes sense as I have only been in South Park for about a year. The amount of hugs that I got from friends and strangers alike made my heart swell with happiness. It didn't stop the hurt, but it made me feel a bit better knowing others were there for me.

Kenny's funeral was heart wrenching as Karen was bawling for the brother that she lost, and I was choking on sobs for the boy that has my entire heart. Karen buried her head into me as I held onto her like I would never let her go. Flashes from the last time I attended a funeral for Kenny all those years ago came to the front of my mind, but I knew that this wasn't going to end like it did back then. We weren't going to move away in fear, and there was no way that I was ever going to forget this crazy little mountain town.

Yesterday was when I decided that I needed a break from all the people trying to comfort me. I was sick of hearing the same damn quotes on how this will all pass, and that time heals all wounds. I have never been fucking sick of people trying to help until then. So I locked myself in my room, refusing to let anyone in. I turned my phone off and I haven't looked at it since then. Somehow my body still had tears to shed, and I let them out. My heart having shattered a few days ago and still needing to bleed.

Ashlynn and Karen left a basket of snacks outside my door that I brought in, but I didn't feel hungry. I haven't had an appetite in days, and I've only had a bit to eat to be polite when with other people. I've slept more in these last few days then I thought was possible for me. My hand hasn't picked up a pencil to draw in all this time. This feeling of broken I have never felt, and trying to figure out how to get back to normal life has been hard.

There has been a few things that have taken my mind off Kenny's death. We decided that it would be best if Karen moved into our house permanently, so we spent the day before Kenny's funeral in a shock changing the guest room to be hers. We joked around a little bit, but for the most part it was a somber time. Then the morning before the funeral, Ashlynn, Karen, and I took the time to make ourselves pretty, because that is what Kenny would have wanted. These small moments helped to get through these first few hard days.

Now, I'm lying curled up in the middle of my bed, one of Kenny's t-shirts on, and my eyes stinging from all the tears I've shed. My hair is a mess, my shorts wrinkled from my hands constantly grabbing them, and I know that I probably should take a bath to feel better. Its hard to find any motivation to do anything when it feels like my entire life has started to spiral down the drain. To think that June has finally arrived, and I have no desire to go out and enjoy the summer weather.