Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

100 Sleepless Nights

Vic sat at the top of the hill, in the corner, alone. He was small, six or seven, cuddled up and quietly singing to himself.

"We leave this world, leave it all behind. We could steal this car if your folks don't mind-we could live forever if you've got the time."

He didn't have friends, not really. Vic was shy. Everyone excused it for him being his age. At five and six, you were hyper and pretty much annoying, shy and scared, or an entitled brat.

It was another day for him, alone. Sitting on that hill at recess singing songs to himself. It was routine, and Vic followed routine. He followed the rules and did what he had to, and got through the day. In his mind, he had his whole life planned, at the age of six.

He'd survive school, even if it was how his cousins described it. "Harder and more stress bearing each year." He'd take care of his little brother. When he reached high school he'd join some clubs, soccer, football maybe. Or choir, that sounded okay. Something, something that made him fit in somewhere. He'd get to college and major in.. English, maybe. At six, not much was top priority other than getting that pop tart from your sibling. Afterward he'd grow successful in that field. He'd have kids and a family and be remembered by somebody. He just wanted to be remembered.

But as of now, Vic was in first grade at recess. Middle and high school, college, kids, a family, they were all years away. The end of the day seemed year away.

"My lover is, the day I can't forget.. Furthering my distance from you, realistically I can't leave now..," Vic mumbled.

"Hey!" Someone shouted.

Vic looked up in a panic. Go away, he thought, It's my hill. It's my hill. Go away.

The boy didn't go away, though, and instead continued running up the hill to Vic.

He was taller, definitely, with short black hair and brown eyes.

"Hey!" He said again, extending his hand. "I'm Ronnie! What's your name?"

Reluctantly, Vic reached out and shook the other boys and. "U-Uh, Vic," he responded quietly.

"Vic, okay! Wanna play with me? All the other guys got in a fight and it's a bit stupid," Ronnie explained.

But it's my hill, Vic thought, gripping the grass. "Um.."

"Okay! Let's go!" Ronnie said, grabbing Vic's hand and pulling him to the field.

There wasn't much Vic could do after that. The two played soccer, and Vic actually had fun. The days afterwards Ronnie forced Vic into hanging out with him and his friends. Vic never got along with Ronnie's friends as well as he did Ronnie himself, but they were still good company and supplied a laugh. Ronnie was his only friend for the next few years. Vic didn't follow his life plans as thoroughly. When he got to high school he only got out of bed to go to school or because Ronnie made him. He didn't join any clubs, staying awake was too much of a task for him. And after that party, Vic barely left his room. He skipped school at least once a month, then once a week, it became a problem. After he finished his junior year he took online classes. That day in first grade never left his mind, though, and neither did it for Ronnie, either.

- - -

Three years later, and Ronnie stood at Vic's doorstep at the shitty 'Dan's Apartments' building across the college campus. Ronnie had spent weeks trying to find Vic, and now he had. All that prepping, all the play through's of meeting him again, and he could barely get a single word out.

"H-Hey Vic," He stuttered.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Vic hissed. His voice was more broken, hurt, than he'd preferred.

Everything came flooding back. The memories of him and Ronnie as friends, and the ones of them as enemies.

"I w-wanted to say I-I'm sorry," Ronnie breathed. He fiddled with the sleeves of his cotton long-sleeved shirt, staring at the ground behind Vic.

Vic chuckled dryly. "Its a bit late for that, don't ya think?" Even in his anger, Ronnie looked on the verge of tears, and Vic felt a bit of empathy for the old friend. It died as soon as it lived, though, and was replaced with the same hate as before.

"I-I know. I just," Ronnie exhaled and for the first time since their meeting, looked Vic in the eye. "I couldn't live with myself if I didn't apologize. For what I did, what I said. Everything. You needed, deserved, a friend back then with everything going on, and I-" Ronnie stopped, his words coming out as a choked whimper, as if it hurt too much to say. And in a form, it did.

Vic, on the other hand, didn't give a shit. He didn't take the act, as he believed it to be. "Ahuh, go bullshit someone else. I- Even if you're not lying, even if you are truly sorry, it's too late. You did what you did, and I can't take seeing you right now."

Solemnly, Ronnie nodded. "I understand. I'm sorry," he mumbled, turning to walk away.

Vic nodded. "I know," he said before he shut the door.

In fifth grade I used to do what Vic did. I'd stand in the corner of the hill at recess and rap or sing something. All my friends were playing games I wasn't interested in, and I just wanted to sing. I got called goth for it, and wearing a black tank top. People are whack.

But then I met my joyfriend and was like "dam u hot am I gay-"

So uh yeah

Shit I was supposed to meet up with them after my shower but I spent an hour on wattpad-

Stay salty

~ISweepy