Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

I Don't Care

I know I can't rely on others, I have to get better myself, for myself.

The first step is realizing you have a problem, and I've done that. I did that from the start. The second step is getting help, is wanting to get better, trying to get better. And that's where I'm stuck.

I want to stay here, in this fucking mess, this hole I dug for myself. Getting better feels like the end of the story, I don't want the story to end. I don't want the pain to end, what am I without it?

I'd be happy, more than the few moments Kellin makes a joke or takes me out. And when I get sad I don't go to the metal object that's supposed to be used by fifth graders making projects for school.

But I don't want that. I want to stay here. I realize I've been clean for a few days, and I have that temporary "Oh my God, things are looking up, this is great." But soon I despise that feeling. I hate breaking down, I hate laying against the wall while choking on my tears and wishing that addicting sting in my arms could take it all away, but I can't say goodbye.

In those moments, where I'm breaking down alone in my room, I wish desperately to get better. I want the pain to end, but I want it to be by myself living. But at the same time, I don't.

I'm waiting. Waiting for one side to choose. I'm slowly getting worse, and I'm okay with that. Yet I'm getting better, and I don't know if I'm okay with that.

Kellin's helping me get better, and I love him for that.

I don't love him- I mean, I love he'd do that, I think it's sweet how much he cares. But I don't love him, I don't think, not yet.

Can I love again?

I want to get better for Kellin, I want to maybe have some kind of future, with Kellin, even.

But what can I do? I don't have talents, I'm failing all my classes, the best I could do is be a fucking janitor, but I can barely clean my room, that wouldn't last long.

He wouldn't want me. Why does he want me now? He wants quick fucks, or guys like Oli, except they don't cheat. Not me. Why is he with me?

The phone rang.

"Hello?" The familiar, soft voice asked.

"Kellin?" I whispered.

"Hey Vic, what's up?" Kellin asked cheerfully. "I'm ditching class and hiding in the bathrooms, so I don't have long."

"Um- I'm sorry, you should go back to class." I moved to hang up.

"No, nah, it's fine! I don't want to go to class anyways. What's up babe?"

Babe, fuck, that hurt. Yet it felt right? And calmed me, just a bit.

"I-I- I missed you. Could- Could you sing to me?" I asked sheepishly.

"Huh? Uh, sure. Um, let me think.

"My ship went down, in a sea of sound. When I woke up alone I had everything: A handful of moments I wished I could change and a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade," Kellin sung sweetly.

"In a city of fools, I was careful and cool, but they tore me apart like a hurricane. A handful of moments I wished I could change, but I was carried away.

"Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty, but I'm smiling at everything. Therapy, you were never a friend to me, and you can keep all your misery," Kellin stopped. "That's all they've got so far."

"Them?" I questioned.

"My friends wrote it, you should hear them play."

"Oh." I was far more calmer, though I felt after we hung up I'd go back to the same place again. "Can you just.. sing that again? I'm sorry, you can hang up afterwards.."

"Sure!" He started again, and I let myself fall asleep.

~_~_~_~

Tis short, I guess. But I think it's cute and I'm boutta leave because "yOu gOtTa lEaVe thE hOuSe" despite the fact it's quarantine

Anyhoe, oh my god I just got another fic idea

Well uh stay penisy

<3

~ISweepy