Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

Three Months

It kinda suffocates you, the hopelessness, the realization nothings right but you're stuck where you are, you can't get out and the feeling remains with you. So there's only one permanent option left, but you can't do that for whatever reasons you have. Or you can, because there are no reasons, or you don't care, and you do.

It's suffocating, that feeling. Clawing around at your insides, at your lungs. The first moment it happens, it takes the breath from your lungs, cuts them open. But you can breath, and you are there, and so is the feeling, but you can't get rid of it.

You scream, you cry, because it's all you can do. Only sleep can take it away, sleep and whatever self destructive habit you decide to pick up. But those never last forever, do they? Except that one option. Cutting it short, saying adios, ripping out the ending of God's book about you and writing your own, an abrupt one.

Sometimes it's here for a reason - the feeling. Sometimes it's just here.

I'll be standing with my friends, laughing, perfectly fine. But then one small moment, a switch, a thought, maybe nothing at all, makes my mind go to hell. Maybe it was caused by my happiness - I'll laugh, I'll be fine and okay and happy, and I'll recognize it, but I won't like it. It's unnatural, not right, and immediately it's gone.

I can't stay happy forever. Maybe I can't stay happy at all.

"Hey babe, what do you want for dinner?" At this point, the apartment was Kellin's permanent home. We lived together, we loved each other.

"Uh, whatever you make is fine." I kissed his cheek and went back to staring at the TV playing Umbrella Academy.

"How are you?" He asked softly, crawling into bed beside me and running his fingers through my hair. I laid my head back and enjoyed the feeling.

"Great, now that you're here." By that I meant, on the verge of breaking down, but keeping it together and inside because you're here. But I guess that was still better. If I was alone, I'd break down, and I really did not want to break down.

"Mm," Kellin hummed and kissed my jaw. "You're sure?" He rested his head on my shoulder and looked up at me skeptically.

"Yes, babe, I'm sure," I told him. "Go make dinner, or be the dumbass you are, I don't know," I shooed him.

His phone dinged, and he picked it up to read a text. I decided not to be a nosy douche and didn't read over his shoulder, but still asked, "What is it?"

"Gabe," Kellin sighed. "He's drunk - again. The guys are too and need a ride, is it okay if I go pick them up? I can pick up dinner on the way home."

"Of course, go be the knight in shining armor," I joked.

"Vic!" He whined with a giggle. "What do you want, though?"

"Uh, McDonalds," I shrugged. "Quickest and tastiest."

Kellin scrunched his nose. "I will never understand you people and your fast food. But if that's what you want, okay." He stood and grabbed his things, planting a kiss on my lips before he left. "Bye!" He called.

I waved goodbye as he left. I was alone, what I was trying to prevent. I breathed out, but soon regretted it at the simple action of making noise made me nearly break into tears. I bit my lip with a small whimper to hold back tears.

Come on, nothing's wrong. You shouldn't be crying, I told myself.

I just wanted to be emotional, to cry, to have a reason to cry. Things that normally wouldn't bug me in the slightest, made me a ball under my blankets trying to hold back tears.