Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

The Highway

It's a war. Before it was one side fighting against a side with no motivation, care, or hope to fight back. But now it's two sides, both growing stronger each day with more reasons to win.

It's my mind, and the two sides are whether I live or die. Whether I live for Kellin or I die for myself.

As of now, Kellin was in his class while I lifted my shirt and looked at the massacre that was my stomach.

I'd changed from my arms to my stomach. It was easier to hide, to lower suspicion. Once the scars on my arm healed, I was able to wear tees again and rid Kellin of the suspicions he'd been clearly having. He was oblivious to the fact in reality, I was going back into the hole I was just previously getting out of. But you can never escape, can you? Once in, you can't get out. I can't get out.

It's a hole. One you dig for yourself, and at first you don't like it, you want to get out. But you can't stop digging, so you don't. Then, as it gets deep, really deep, you start to grow comfortable in your hole. Maybe you want to get out, maybe you try, but you can't. And maybe you're like me, and you're just so comfortable you don't try at all. Maybe you start crawling out, because you have a reason and you're getting there, only to be pushed back down.

Then, then someone starts throwing the dirt on you. Suffocating you, filling you up. You try to climb up, away from the dirt, but it falls on you and soon you're gone. The hole killed you. If you're strong enough, maybe you used the dirt to your advantage. You climbed on top and continued climbing until you're out.

I'm waiting. Waiting for the dirt to start falling. Maybe it already was falling, suffocating me, and I was unaware of my eventual death. Maybe I knew, afterall, look where I was-

The highway. The highway I went to during the party with Ronnie, where Kellin found me and took me home, where I fell asleep in his arms. Months ago. And here I was, back, but this time I'd, potentially, finish the job. I wouldn't come back, I wouldn't leave. Not alive, at least. Maybe I would leave alive, maybe I'd fail like the person I am. I never succeeded in anything. In relationships, in school, in keeping promises, in life.

Cars whizzed by, oblivious to my pained existence. The existence that was about to leave. I counted them, looked at the colors and the brands. In a way I was stalling, trying to get myself to leave because in a way I was scared; I didn't want to die, I wanted to be with Kellin. But that didn't matter anymore. I was where I was.

I had always looked at cars differently. Everytime I saw them, I challenged them in my head, to swerve and hit me, I resisted the urge to jump in and make them hit me. Maybe it was cruel, the poor driver hitting a suicidal kid. They never wanted to kill anyone, it wasn't their fault. Maybe it was selfish, but I'm selfish. A selfish machine, and so is everyone else. But that's okay, I think.

I was here, I was ready. I dug my hole and I was encouraging the dirt to fall. So I stood, and I watched as cars continued on their journeys to and fro. Kids, teenagers, adults, elders, babies, all in the mix. I wondered who would hit me, what their life story was and what it would soon be after I rushed out.

I was stalling, I knew it. But god, I was terrified. If you're not afraid of death, well god damn, I applaud you. But sometimes we have to do things we're scared of, right? We have to face our fears. That's what I'm doing, I'm facing my fears.

My phone dinged. Kellin. He texted me. Tears brimmed my eyes. I felt so bad- Leaving the boy I love. Leaving Mike, my little brother. I'm the older brother, the one he looks up to, I can't do this to him. We say we can't do a lot of things, but we do them nonetheless. Whether we're surprised, or proud we did what we thought we were incapable of, we do it.

'Hi babe, I'm in the bathroom. Class is soooooo boring, but you'd make it interesting (; I love you!'

'You'll live. Go back and be educated. I love you, don't ever forget that.'

'Of course babe! I love you more, see you when I get home.'

No, no he wouldn't see me when he got home. I wouldn't go home, I wouldn't eat a hamburger again or see a movie, I wouldn't get drunk or see Mike marry Tony, or me marry Kellin. But I would see death, maybe just a bit early.

It didn't matter whether I ran in front of the car coming faster than all the others or not. The pills in my system were kicking in, I'd just be adding a guarantee, an extra deal, a little more pain.

I was running, just before the car came at me, into the street. Screeching, screaming, and pain. Pain, lost into darkness.

The dirt was on me.

~_~_~_~

Am I sorry?
I do not know
Oh well~

My social studies teacher just said "if one of your friends isn't in here, reach out to them. Although I know most of you dont have friends. Right *student name*?"

I may be scared shitless of them, but my teachers are great