Sometimes You Don't Want to Be Okay - Kellic

Therapy

"So what do you wanna talk about, Vic?"

"Um.. Beethoven," I muttered.

The therapist, Jeremy, snorted. "Okay, what about Beethoven?"

"Well, he was deaf, yet still made music. Pretty damn good music, especially for his time, so- yeah."

"Okay, Beethoven, anything else?"

"Uh, not that I know of," I shrugged.

"How have things been lately?" He persisted.

Well, I'm only alive because I can't hurt my boyfriend, and he's watching me like a hawk 24/7. Otherwise, he makes my friends do it. So I smile for him, but I'm begging for something to kill me.

"Good," I said.

"Care to elaborate?"

"Um.. Classes are going okay, my boyfriend is um- He's concerned but we're doing okay. I- I'm getting.. better." Better at hiding it-

"That's great! I'm happy to hear things are letting up." He sounded so cheerful, as if he truly believed it. Did he? I thought I was a pretty shit liar. Maybe he was pretending too. "You deserve to be happy."

I snorted. Didn't mean to, but I did. No, no I did not. I was human and humans are flawed, I am flawed in so many ways that make me incapable of happiness even if I did deserve it. Which again, I don't.

"Why the laugh?" Jeremy leaned in. Therapists seemed to do that, lean in when they were asking a question, searching for answers through your obvious lies; and lean back when they contemplate something you said, ask another question trying to figure out what you meant.

"Just, I don't know. I guess, before, I would've thought you were bullshitting me. It's weird to look back." Oh yes, what a classic. Being honest but saying it's in the past, you don't think that way anymore.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I just- didn't think I deserved much of.. anything. Not my boyfriend, or happiness, or anything. People told me everyone would leave me and I believed them. I thought I wasn't likeable, I was annoying. I don't know, I just thought I didn't deserve it," I explained solemnly.

"Do you still feel that way?"

"No," I said quickly. Jeremy sighed, but didn't press the matter.

"Alright, well then. That's all for today. See you next week."

"Yep." I stood and quickly left the room. Kellin was outside in the parking lot, waiting for me.

"Hey babe!" He said, taking my hand. "How was it?"

I sighed. "Um, good."

"Okay. I love you." He said that so often recently. I love you. Hey babe, I love you. You know how much I love you? I love you. He was scared, I understood that. But I wanted him to know I was okay, I'd be okay. I think.

Things had been going so well. I was doing so well. But then I saw Lila again, I broke down when I was alone and everything fell apart. It was my fault for Kellin's distress.

"I love you too," I mumbled. Kellin squeezed my hand and opened the door for me.

We arrived home to my familiar apartment. So many memories sat in the smelly, small place. Getting drunk and dancing to nothing, being scolded by Mike, Kellin moving in for what we thought would be a temporary time. Countless nights coming home drunk, whether me, Kellin, or both. When me and Kellin, drunk, had sex. My breakdowns, Kellin comforting me.

"I'm sorry, Kell," I said.

"What? Why? For what?" He asked, worry lacing his features.

"Just- What I did. You've been so worried, investing your time into me. I'm sorry, for everything."

"Baby." He sat me down on the bed, holding my hands in his own. "You have no reason to apologize. I love you, so much, and you've been the best boyfriend you can be. I can't thank you enough for all the happiness you've given me. You're perfect, Vic. Absolutely amazing." He caressed my cheek, staring at me in awe.

"Who's to say you aren't as well?" I pulled him closer, leaning in to a sweet kiss. Kellin meant the world to me, he was the world to me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him, how could I think he'd be fine if he lost me?

"I won't ever leave you. I'll get better just for you," I muttered, staring down at our hands. A drop of clear liquid fell onto my hand. I looked up to see Kellin in tears, yet smiling.

"I'm so proud of you, don't- don't ever scare me like that again."

"I won't." I wiped the tears away with my thumb and gently kissed his cheek. "Let's get to bed, huh?"

He nodded, and crawled under the blankets beside me. I fell asleep just fine, in the arms of the boy I had fallen madly in love with. Fuck, I did see a future with Kellin. A house, kids, running around in our yard. A ring around each of our fingers.

I wanted to marry the raven haired boy holding me.

~_~_~_~

Hhhhh I love this so much, i dont want it to end but theres not much left

My doggo sleep
I cuddle
^~^