His Shining Star

20

~June~

I sat at the coffee shop with Blaine who was busy going over his schedule. We always planned a monthly coffee hang out like we did in high school. Just the two of us.

"How about July 21st?" He suggested.

"Can't... I have a photo shoot." I shook my head. "How about the 25th?"

"Can't, Kurt and I have a show." He shakes his head. "Uh, how about the 8th?"

"That works for me." I smiled.

"Crazy that Rachel berry is marrying this guy who terrorized the glee club. At the end of September, she will be married to him." Blaine brought up. "Oh wait—no offense."

"It's fine. Sebastian and I haven't been talking." I admitted. "In weeks—matter of fact."

"What happened?" He furrowed his eyebrows.

"He just doesn't know if we are going to last longer than a few months. He isn't sure if he wants a long term or even a lifetime commitment. I don't want to be some hook up or anything." I explained.

"Elle—I'm not siding with anyone, however, I do think you are over exaggerating this whole thing. Kurt and I went through a similar thing before we got back together. We both had a hard time adjusting to even a friendship, but then two days later we got married at Santana and Brittany's wedding." he reminded me.

"Maybe I just want what you and Kurt have." I admitted.

"You and Sebastian can figure it out." Blaine pointed out. "Even when you were with Jason, I can tell that you were in love with Sebastian even when you couldn't admit it. You weren't as happy and free. I can see you were feeling enclosed."

"Well—I think I screwed that up because of course—there is me and my craziness. I'm the girlfriend that overreacts over every little thing." I hid my face in my arms.

"He loves you. I can see the way he looks at you. I think if he couldn't deal with your insanity, he would have broke up with you in high school." Blaine points out.

"Was I that bad in high school?" I asked.

"I mean—you did go through this whole bad girl stage." Blaine reminded me.

"If I am being at all honest—maybe that whole bad girl act was the fact that I missed my mother who died in a car accident. My older sister was killed in that same car crash. The fact that grief was hitting me then." I admitted.

"I didn't know your mom died from a car accident and you had an older sister." Blaine replies.

"The only person that knew that was Sebastian, because he's seen me at my worst. More than you all have." I chuckled. "You would have liked my older sister. She reminds me of you a lot. She was always striving to help others, and support others. She never saw the worst in people. When she died, I remember her girlfriend blaming me for the loss of my sister. My sister tried to protect me and she blamed me when I didn't know better." I remembered.

"You couldn't have done anything. You're sister  wanted you to love your best life. She chose to be the hero that she is." Blaine pointed out.

"Yeah, I know that. I just remember the face of her girlfriend who was two years older, an adult, who lost the women she loved. She was 20, and my sister 18. I still remember me as a seven year old knowing my sister was lesbian. The face that my dad made when he lost his wife, his soulmate, his best friend, and my mom. I just don't want to go through that feeling." I shook my head. "How could someone live through that?"

"Do you know how your sister's girlfriend is doing now?" Blaine asked.

"She cut off all connection with my family. Polly was going places. She was going to be a Surgeon. I don't know where she went or what happened after the funeral." I stated.

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you act this way sometimes is because you are afraid to lose the person you love to whatever force is out there." Blaine pointed out. I just sat there in shock.

"God—maybe your right." I gasped. "How did I get so lucky in the friend department who happens to be my therapist?"

"I'm just that talented." He chuckled as he sipped his latte.

Later that day, I went home and maybe—I shouldn't have attacked Sebastian like that. I was overreacting. I stared at the picture of Sebastian and I. Debating on whether I should call him, I keep working up the courage to. Every time I almost press the call button, I don't. Every time I think about texting him, I pull away.

What if Blaine is right? Maybe I completely cling on and expect too much from guys for a long term commitment because I'm scared that I will get a phone call about losing the one I love OR it's vice versa. I've seen that face twice. I can't bare to see people sad to watch their loved ones die.

I sighed as I attempted to put in the effort to talk to him. I couldn't do it. I just feel terrible for my overreaction. Maybe I scared him off for good.

I just set my phone down and took a nice long shower. After getting in my comfy pajamas, I remembered something from a movie. What if I flew out to his movie location and apologized? What if I could make things right with him? Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to fly out until the last week of June. Which is in two weeks, but if I gave him the element of surprise than he can't push me away.

That's what I'm going to do.