Please, I do not want a heart

Part 33: Please I Do Not Want a Heart:

Trigger Warning! If you have inside issues, please skip this chapter.

"There is no room that is prepared, Kaleid will take care of that task tomorrow-."

I think the King is planning to push this matter forever as long as there is tomorrow.

"A bedroom was prepared around the time the princess turned one."

My eyes sparkled.

'Oh, I remember Kaleid mentioned it before.'

"What?"

"It was my birthday present for her. I informed Kaleid about it. And from what I heard you just brush it off."

"It was room in the Clover tower." Kaleid added.

I looked at the big human's face and he looked quite scary.

"Don't jumped on conclusion. I touched that part of the palace because the one who suppossedly taking care of it had passed."

"That is a job I gave to Kaleid."

Kaleid shrunk on the corner.

'Come on, Father, you know Kaleid cannot really opposed the mistress of this castle.'

"I did asked for a permission, once. But I think you were so busy clearing up your desk and you pay me no heed. I assumed your silence meant approval."

'It is not breakfast, and these couple are going at it.'

"Father, Mother only have good intentions, and Mother did not touch Lady Magdalene's room." Lunard intercepted.

'I guess there is a great benefit on having the twins back here.'

"Yes, it is a room next to Lady Magdalene's room. It is a room nearest to the Clover garden which the princess loves so much."

'Eh? I am seeing you in a new light.'

This five years, the Queen tried not be on my business, however, time to time she tries to advice Kaleid for new fashion trends that I can wear. She give some snide remarks but give Kaleid some good advice about foods that is good for skin that only the princesses knows. A secret trick that works so well. I always thought that she thinks that even if I don't act like one, maybe I should at least look like one. Ha ha ha...

I squeezed the big human shirt who is looking more conflicted as the seconds pass.

"I want to sleep on the bedroom next to the Clover garden."

I looked at him straight to his eyes.

"The Clover garden makes me feel safe." I added.

His face twinge and without a word of surrender. The big human made heavy footsteps towards the direction of the Clover garden. I hugged him and look over his shoulder.

I saw the triumphant look on Soliard's face. Lunard made a small gesture for a wave of goodbye. I waved back at him and then I met the stare of the Queen. She remains emotionless. I thought they will follow us but the Queen said something and turned her back. Her two sons followed her.

'She is not a bad person, probably.'

....

Kaleid opened the bedroom door, and we are welcomed by a decent chamber. It is not overly furnished and it is not overly girly like the Queen's room that I saw before my first birthday. I think it is a room well suited to my taste.

The curtains and the beddings are in earth colors and the walls have flower carvings instead of a floral wallpaper. It looks sophisticated, like a room designated for a teenager.

'Probably, the Queen anticipated that I will not  be using this room until I reach my teens.'

"Then I'll retire for tonight." The big human did not enter the room and just inspected the room from the doorway. After that he just turned around and go.

'Is he upset?'

"Then princess, your bath had been prepared by the maids. Let's clean up and retire too."

I gave Kaleid a small nod. I am waiting for him to carry me up or hold my hand like per usual to guide me to the bathroom but Kaleid just kneel there still.

"Uhmm, princess, I know that the King might sound unreasonable sometimes, but the King does not feel safe if the princess is far from his side. The princess does not have a maternal family here in Spade and the King is the only one left from the former generation of the royals of Spades."

I pat Kaleid cheeks. And he continues...

"I know it is hard to understand sometimes, but princess, we only think of the best for you."

...

'Only the best, huh.'

I looked at the beautiful ceiling carved like a forest. The Queen probably did so much effort on this place. I am grateful, but I couldn't swallow the kindness, if that is their intention.

I stood up and dragged a chair to the window. I opened it and watch the Acacia tree. It is dark so I can barely see it under the moonlight but I can hear the bustling noise of the leaves.

I closed my eyes and a flood of memories came rushing in.

-I do this because, I love you.-

In my previous life, I have to endure every abusive words and beating from my parent. For so long, I believed what is happening is right and it is happening because I am the one who have something wrong. That I am wrong.

All the whispers of the adults, reassuring that I am fortunate, that I am loved and to be envious made me blinded of the truth.

Until now, I believe my very existence is a nuisance and unwanted. However, it is not like they can just toss me away because they do not want me. I remember the mother I had in my past life, how I wished she would just kill me right there and then so she could be free of what she is saying, a fate I got her tangled with. She had attempted multiple times leaving me behind or trying to kill me but in the end, she always stop at the critical moment and says she loves me.

I do believe that she have some mental problem, and as someone who understands what is right and wrong, it is my job to reason out her wrong doings, I prayed for her to acknowledge the right and wrong and wake up from her life long nightmare. I prayed that she will smile and hug me and ask for forgiveness, until one day, I woke up from the nightmare she created.

I realised that humans should love themselves first. That the greatest love is loving yourself. When I realized that, I was ready to leave everything behind and take on the journey to find my own self.

Though that is where everything ends. It was too late. My mother been really sick in her mind and I am no longer her child but her possession.

If only I left sooner, probably she would never committed the heaviest mortal sin. Killing her own flesh and blood.