Lord I do not understand Your ways
Hear me now as I pray
I will be still to hear Thy voice
Have mercy on me, to what I say
O Lord, you know where I am
You know my state of confusion
Of this You are not, but of peace
Help me to know that I am the least
There many things of which I lack
Yet I pride myself in my humility
What humility is there in pride?
When arrogance and presumption are the seeds?
Save Your servant from presumptuous sins!
Grant him mercy and help when he calls on you!
May the darkness be as light to him
And may dawning light blaze forth soon!
I come before You Lord
Of all that I feel, struggle, and am
Take me and use me as You will
Guide me into Your sovereign plan
I speak bluntly, and I hope, without arrogance
I want and desire You. Help me to understand
Those times when You seemed so far away
Was it not to provide a wilderness and to cast the gray?
But You Lord know my heart
That there is nothing good in me
O forgive me as I speak before You
Lord, help me to see!
Selah
I have taken pride in my grief
And in what humility I thought I had
May I be abandoned to Your praise
And wash me clean of filthy ways
I surrender my life to You
And all my mistakes and who I am
Make me bow down, and crush me
That bones You have broken may rejoice!
O Lord, I have let my Flesh taken hold of me!
And I have given up to easily
And not without enough shame!
I have wanted so much for my will to be Your will
Your humility and love within me instill
In Your tender love and infinite understanding
Make me trust in Your name
I am weak before You Lord
Show me what I am to do, think, or say
Accept these words before You
Turn them around or use them in whatever way
My cloak of honor has been stripped
And my righteousness has been revealed in Your light
As tainted snow
I am weak, let me be troubled
Your firmness to guide me and grow
What kind of person am I who writes this?
Where is the fear of the Lord, when I was afraid to lift up my head?
But save me from being the rebellious atheist
Who dares to lift a fist and his heart against you
I do not want to be that
I pour myself out before You of who I am
This is who I am Lord
One who does not know and has pretended too long
I thought that I was so much, when in truth so little
And I am full of confusion and the thoughts of my heart
My flesh corrupts me with every passing moment
It may grow worse until it opens all doors
To the darkness of Hell to come and be welcomed
May it not be so, O Lord
Keep me now in silence
Hold now my tongue
This is no psalm of praise, but of my own heart
Too tainted to be heard before You
You see how I stretch myself
To heights of glory in my mind
Shatter now those supporting pillars
Do not give me over to the pleasure of Hell to take over and bind
O cruel chains that dare to present themselves as lovely!
Away from me, I do not want part in thee!
O Flesh, cursed are you!
You do not fly the banner of truth!
These cruel chains that my Flesh dares to long for
Chains made of scarlet and the lust of this world
Chains that will turn to black and thick cuffs and links
And drag me to the abominable abyss below
O my God, I am not sorry enough
Nor do I mourn as I should mourn
I stand so erect and tall in Your court
But not with the boldness of Christ
Not with the blood that He shed for one like me
Instead I march with the brass of an atheist
And with the twisted insanity of a rebellious son
I halt and linger between opening those gates
And giving myself over to the kingdom of night
And staying here and waiting for Your grace
To fall on me; that I may be smitten to fall on my face
Lord you see my heart. How unclean it is
Save me now I ask you
I do not want to hold anything back
Lord, I am not sorry enough
Make me sorry enough!
I have dared to mention my doubts, my-self, and my challenge against You
But no, I do not want to have any part in them
I have no strength in myself to want anything from You
Release the Hound of Heaven
And may my fading scent, He find and pursue
This stench which emanates from me
I'd rather be taken captive and mauled in His mouth
Than to be taken to a slow death of feigned sweetness
May He crush me now. My pride, my flesh, and all my greed
Self control I would cast off me now
Since You know who I am already. I do not have the patience nor faith and the fulness thereof
To trust in You
Such brazenness O Lord!
Will You not come down and smite me to the ground
That I may fall and truly mourn as I should?
Strike me; it shall be kindness
Rebuke me; it shall be excellent oil
My head shall not refuse it
But You know my Flesh
How it would take pleasure in mourning!
It would twist it and whisper in my ear, “You are so humble.”
Selah
Yet there is grace that can be found in Your sight
I know I am in the wrong. You are in the right
Help me to know, and see Your abundance to me
Bind and burn every tare and weed
There is nothing in me Lord
Nothing to be drawn to speak with You
How I have fallen from my pride
Only to become proud all the more
I have fallen to a second shelf
But not to the bottom just yet
O Lord, what grace of Your's is left in me
Hear and answer as I pray
“O Flesh, be silent and be subdued in God's name
And my soul, do not speak and I will do so the same
But let all be silent, and may you O Flesh be dispersed
No longer, at this time, shall you lust against the Spirit.”
Speak to me now I pray Lord, and hear me as I call
I am captivated in my rebellion
And the nets, I have let enclose upon me
Those sweet cords are even now strangling and threatening to bind
But I will not surrender willingly and that adopted son that is in me, cries out
It screams with what air it has left, to come and free me
Pull me out of the Shadow of Death and bring me to Your High Place
Save me from all these things O Lord
This adopted son of Your's still cries out
The Flesh may cry loud, but I cry louder still
I will not be swallowed up without Your will
Help me now I pray! Forgive me for who I am!
Let me go back and return to Your sovereign plan!
My friends, see who speaks this
And hear the echo in the mountains
Pray you also, I beg thee, and ask that He come down and save me
May He come from those High Places that I was too eager to backslide from
And ask Him, I beg you all, that He will take me to His court of Truth once again
May He lay what stripes He would will on me
They will be like sweet oil and the cleansing of my innermost parts
I am ready to be rescued
I have confessed all that my Flesh is am
And now, though I would despair, I cry with what little hope and His grace is left in me
Rescue me and save me by Your right hand!
Bring me out of the shadow of death, and into Your promised land!
The desert, let it be. Only, do not surrender me to the pleasure of my enemies!
Save me, save me, O my God!
Come swiftly, O Shepherd of the Morning!
Leap down from rock to rock, in Your glory and power
And strike all my enemies on the cheek! Set them in slippery places and shatter their teeth!
Send also my Flesh, reeling back and use Your Sword to dive him from my flesh; its joints from my marrow
O turn me into a dove that I may fly from here swiftly! On the wings of the morning!
Speak now, I lift my hands up!
I am ready to be carried away!
