A Flower's Nudity

8

Napaigtad ako nang tumama ang mamahaling flower vase ni mommy sa pader, ilang pulgada na lang mula sa balat ng aking braso. Tumalsik ang bawat pirasong bubog nito, nagkalat sa sahig. Malas lang ni dad, wala ni isa ang sumugat sa akin.

With a face like a thunder, he slammed his fist down onto the table. His facial muscles are twitching, and he looked at me with those eyes seem to pop out.

"What did you do, Heather Cassia?!"

We're in a wide four-cornered library room, and the sound of his voice etched in between of every single book in the bookshelves.

Why is there a kind behavior to ask 'What did you do?!' after knowing what you actually did? Is it one of the ways to make us realize our own action and what it actually caused us?

A lot of 'what did you do?' in the world and the one that has been said in a voice fuming with anger is something that shouldn't be answered.

And, oh, he called me in my real name. That's not something I should ignore.

So, I remained silent.

"Hindi ka namin hinayaang makaranas ng kasamaan para lang maisipan mong pumatay ng tao!"

Bumaon ang mahahaba kong kuko sa gitna ng nakakuyom kong kamao. Gabundok na hangin ang naipon sa aking dibdib at parang may kinakalawang nang espada ang pilit gumagawa ng guhit sa pagitan nito.

Hindi raw nila ako hinayaang makaranas ng kasamaan. Hindi nga ba? Ano ba ang basehan nila ng kasamaan?

Dad had an affair with other woman. Nagbunga ang kasalanan, iyon ay si Hyacinth. Kung hindi ito isang klase ng kasamaan, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang itatawag dito.

Sampung taon na rin naman ang lumipas mula nang nabunyag ang sikreto. Isang taon lang ang agwat namin ng kapatid ko. Kung titingnan, halos isang taon pa lang silang kasal ni mommy noon—nabuo na ako bago pa sila ikasal—ay nagkaroon na siya ng babae. Ni hindi pa nag-ingat at hinayaan niyang mabuntis ito.

I envy those kids who can proudly say that their father is the greatest dad on earth. I want to see my father that way too, but I don't want to force myself to see the impossible, especially that he's the one who chose not to show it.

And today, today is our recognition day. Months before this day has come, my father promised me to buy the wristwatch I've been dreaming of. But it has a condition. I should nail my quizzes, ace my periodical exams, collect a straight A on my record. If not, then at least be the class topnotcher. The highest. The best.

Hindi na niya kailanga'ng sabihin. Alam ko, alam niya, alam naming lahat nina mommy na ako ang mangunguna sa klase. Ako na mula pa noon. At ako magpakailanman. Biniyayaan ako ng talino na kayang lampasan ang ibang estudyante. Sapat na ito para ipagmalaki ako ni mom and dad. Sapat na para makatanggap ako ng regalo na ipinangako ni dad noon sa akin.

Unfortunately, he didn't fulfill his promise. Not only he did forget about me, but he chose to give it to Hyacinth, my half sister. I saw it with my two eyes. It's the watch that I asked him to buy for me. Sa unang pagkakataon, hindi ko natanggap ang bagay na dapat ay sa akin.

I don't understand. Hyacinth is not as intelligent as me. Libu-libong paligo ang lamang ko sa kanya. I deserve every best thing in the world, and she only deserves the excess, the leftovers. She didn't even make it to the top five. Ginawa ko naman ang lahat ng makakaya ko, pero bakit hindi pa rin ako pinili?

The anger, the strong envy in my heart pushed me to do the reason why my father is now looking at me with eyes full of hatred and disappointment.