A Flower's Nudity

13

People often say that they better die when they face a struggle they couldn't seem to overcome, or a tragedy that seems too impossible to endure.

Life won't give people the challenges that are bigger than their power to overcome it. We may have limited capabilities, but we have unlimited determination. Perhaps, in my own point of view, when people think of giving up, that is because they lack of purpose.

Setting a purpose or goal in life will be our drive to finish this longest ride. Think of it as a fun run. Life is a journey of fun and obstacles. In the process, you have people, you have the beauty of the world, yet when no one stayed, you are left with no choice but to take the run by yourself. You need to be stronger. You need to fuel your drive. Visualize the finish line, and it will be appearing before you could even notice it.

I didn't fear death until it almost came. I realized that death is not something you could wish when life gets hard. Therefore, it's okay to fear death. The fear of death can be our drive, our fuel to fight. We just need to seek for that 'reason' in order to stay alive.

In my case, thinking that I still want to smell the smoke of a brewed coffee is enough to give me strength to fight and let myself wake up every morning. Above all, I still have to prove to everybody that I am Heather Cassia Del Puerto, the one that they are trying to stomp on, but the reason for them to stumble. Oh, bitches. Not me.

Mariin akong napakapit sa barandilya ng teresa at pinigilan ang sariling mapa-padyak sa sahig nang pumatak na ang alas-sais at hindi pa rin dumarating si Lord.

It's three days straight that we haven't seen each other. Noong una, ako ang umiwas. I don't want to see him. Naiinis ako. Next day, I noticed that he also avoided me. Late daw umuwi from work, ayon kay Manang Ymir. Kinaumagahan, maaga namang umalis. Third day, he didn't come home. Ikaapat na araw na ngayon kung hindi pa siya uuwi.

Siya pa ang may ganang umiwas, siya itong may kasalanan. Sa bagay, hindi rin naman kami makakapag-usap nang matino kung sakali. It's either I am too hard to understand or he is too dumb to be able to do so, whatever.

Pumasok ako sa kuwarto ko at naisipang basahing muli ang conversation namin ni mommy sa Instagram. Every now and then, she keeps on visiting me on my memory. I am closing my eyes every time that I think, see, smell, hear, or feel something that reminds me of her because I just couldn't accept it.

However, I cannot runaway from the loss. The aftermath of her death is almost unbearable, it's not a sin to escape. No one is immune to the ravages of it, grief will always overpower.

Kaya ngayon, babalik ako. Madalas ayaw kong nakikinig sa kanya noon, but I listened anyway. Ngayon, pinipili ko ito. Baka lang naman, may kakarampot pang espasyo sa aking sarili na gustong matuto . . . kung sakali mang mayroon pa akong hindi alam.

Holy Mary, did I just say that?

Our conversation can be a perfect meme, though. But only for the people who doesn't prefer too much humor.

Umupo ako sa gilid ng aking kama at kinuha ang isa kong phone sa bedside table. Phone ko ito na isang beses nang nahulog sa sahig. Pinulot ko, oo, dahil binigay ito ni mommy. Pero bumili pa rin ako ng bago.

I connected to the wifi and logged in to my IG account. I took a deep inhale before tapping her name. Consequently, our conversation appeared.

The last one we had is actually about her reply to the guy who asked her to be a model in a certain skin care product. Perhaps it is the manager or something, I have no clue.

In my mommy's caption on her photograph, she was thanking the company for having her as their model. Nang makita ko iyon, agad ko na siyang ni-dm. I told her that she should not be thanking them 'cause they're the one who asked her a favor. Ang labas kasi n'on, siya iyong nag-request na mangyari ang lahat ng iyon. I told her that. But as expected, for the nth time, she corrected my mindset.