A Flower's Nudity

14

Learning is an ongoing process, a path that we should take throughout eternity. We have so much to learn, and a lot of ways on how to be able to do so.

Ako, nakasanayan ko nang mag-self-study. I prefer knowing things than letting other people tell them to me. Ayaw ko sa spoon-feeding, I strive to gain knowledge. Consequently, a lot of people wishes to be like me.

Whenever I achieve something, like garnering an award that raises the pride of my school, it is announced in the official page of the school. In there, a sea of comments shows me how much people want to be me.

'How to be you po?' is the most common phrase I am receiving from strangers. But in the case of the people who know me or to the ones who think they do, they may not directly ask it, but I know they are saying, 'How to be not you, Heather?'

I never asked that to myself, until a particular day came. Really, how to be not me?

It was more destructive than a volcanic erruption, more painful than failed promises, worse than a gunshot. I will never forget that certain day during the expansion of twilight when my father wholeheartedly told me,

"You are such a disappointment!"

Oo, walang-halong pag-aatubili iyon. Hindi pa siya nasiyahan at inulit pa niya.

"Sobrang disappointed ako sa iyo, Heather Cassia."

To the people who want to be like me, bless them. They are praying to be a lifetime disappointment.

Noong hapong iyon, himalang hindi pa niya ako nasampal. Mommy cried a thousand tears, yet I myself never showed any of the most common reaction a female teenager would have after knowing that she's pregnant.

I might've not given them the satisfaction of seeing how destroyed I am, but from that moment—when the doctor revealed the truth—forward, my life never got any better.

It is a disgrace to the family that I got pregnant in an early age. Not to mention, I am not even married and as they say, everything was all out of my stupidity.

Damn. I am not stupid. Life is just a shit.

Ang pinakamalala, hindi pa ako tapos sa kolehiyo. Yes, unbelievably true. I wasn't able to finish Bachelor of Arts in English Language and Literature. I didn't graduate. Who would expect that?

Afraid of the people's judgment, my father asked Lord to marry me. Pati ang kasal ay kailangan ding sikreto. Sa paraang ito, maiiwasang isipin ng mga tao na nagpakasal lang ako dahil nabuntis ako kung darating na ang panahong magbabakat na ang paglaki ng tiyan ko. To see everything in a bigger picture, para lang akong normal na babae na nagbuntis dahil may asawa.

Lord agreed on my father's plan. We got married. This is the first time that I didn't say anything, though neither of them asked for my opinion. Sumunod lang ako.

I don't even know if I am happy or mad. I couldn't even say that it's not the kind of marriage that I wished to have, because the truth, I never thought about marriage from the very first place.

Pumayag akong ikasal kami, pero noong sinabi nilang lumipat na ako at tumira sa mansion ng Lavigne, doon ako tumutol. Lalo pa akong nag-protesta nang sabihing bibigyan ako ni Lord ng authority to run the La Villamorés Company with him.

No, I would never set a foot in someone's business. May sarili kaming kumpanya. Hindi man ako nakapagtapos ng pag-aaral, alam ko at alam ng lahat na mas lamang pa ako sa ibang empleyadong matagal nang naupo sa posisyon. My father knows that well. He's the owner and he's aware of my capability. Wala akong ideya kung bakit pinipili niyang ilagay ako sa ibang kumpanya. He's losing more than a diamond!