A Flower's Nudity

9 (Flashback)

"Are you out of your mind, Hid? You think your suspension is not going to affect your record? What about your behavior? Ganiyan ba umasta ang isang Dean's Lister? Paano kung matanggal ka sa listahan? Paano kung hindi ka umabot sa summa cum laude? Paano kung—"

"Mom," I cut her off, "gusto ko nang matulog." Tumalikod na ako at nagsimulang humakbang papasok sa aking kuwarto.

"No, we talk!" Humarang siya sa aking pintuan. "You should apologize to you professor. My God, Hid. Major subject mo pa 'yon!"

"I don't say sorry to anyone, Mommy. Alam mo iyan."

If there are two phrases I will never say in my life, these are 'I'm sorry', and 'I was wrong'. I will never feel sorry and will never feel wrong of my actions. Not a chance. Even if I do, I can always find a way to get away with it. I will never let anyone feel that they beat me, nor to see that I failed.

"But she's an exception! She's your professor, for goodness's sake!" diin ni mommy.

"The salvation of my pride considers no one," tamad kong sagot bago siya bahagyang itinulak palayo sa pintuan. "Besides, if I apologize, I am admitting that I was wrong. Mom, gusto ko na talagang mahiga."

Nang pumasok ako ay nakapamaywang na sumunod si mommy sa akin. "Apologizing doesn't always mean you're wrong. It's a sign of maturity, one way of showing humility, and valuing your relationship with other people rather than your ego."

Umupo ako sa gilid ng aking kama at pagod na hinilamos ang aking mukha. "What relationship do we have with that woman, really? Teacher-student relationship? Hindi naman iyon magbabago, unless ayaw na niya akong turuan."

"Exactly," matigas na sambit ni mommy. "She is your teacher, and you're just her student. You think it is ethical to call her bitch? Narinig mo na ba akong nagsalita ng ganyan sa ibang tao, Hid?" Ramdam na randam ko ang galit sa bawat bitaw niya ng salita. "No one deserves to be called bitch, not even you who acts like you own the universe."

Lumipad ang tingin ko sa labas ng bintana ng aking kuwarto. Mula roon ay parang lumilitaw ang mga letrang bumubuo sa pariralang, 'The Bitch'. Yes, that's my title in school. Unfortunately, mom has no idea that people have been labelling me as The Bitch since day one.

"I thought you would understand me," I just coldly said.

"I do, Hid, I do." Narinig ko ang tunog ng takong niya at naramdamang lumapit siya sa kinaroroonan ko. "I understand you but that doesn't mean that I agree with what you have done. Mali pa rin iyon. Learn how to control your temper and when to show respect. My God, you are more than this!"

Hindi ko dinibdib ang inis na nanunuot sa bawat letrang kanyang ibinabato sa akin. Nagkibit-balikat lang ako at ipinagpatuloy ang pagtatanggol sa aking sarili. When no one believes in me, that's the best time for me to believe in myself.

And yes, I'm more than this. I should've enumerated every wrong idea she has taught in order to annoy her even more. That professor deserves more of what I did.

"I just told her that she should read our module before having the audacity to teach in front, and I'm pretty sure she didn't study our lesson because I did."

My peripheral vision showed how my mom massaged the folds of her forehead. "What you did is enough for her to scold you. Kagaya mo, she has to save her pride. You should've told that after classes, not in the middle of discussion. Mapapahiya ang guro. Tapos nang pinagsabihan kang manahimik ka na lang, hindi ka pa rin tumigil? What did you call her? Irresponsible bitch?"

Umangat ang sulok ng aking labi. "Sinabi ko ring hindi siya ang hihila sa amin pababa. Hindi siya ang magtatanim ng maling aral sa aming isipan. Alam kong pawang mangmang ang aking mga kaklase, pero huwag niya akong igaya. Kung wala silang kaide-ideya na mali na pala ang pinagsasasabi niya sa harap, puwes, ibahin niya ako. I can even discuss each content her book contains. I told her to quiz me. Cover to cover. That's when she totally went ballistic and embarassed me back—the reason why I called her irresponsible bitch."