He Fell For The Nerd

Chapter 18

"I want so much that is not here,
And I do not know where to go."

- Charles Bukowski

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I am just not sure what to do anymore," I mumble to myself as I pull away from Adrian, not intending for him to hear.

"Huh? What did you just say?" I hear him asking and I thank god that he didn't listen.

"Nothing. Just some random mumbling," I say.

"Random mumbling? Huh? You are just confusing me more after explaining it."

"It is nothing, I was just mumbling to myself, nothing important."

I look up at him and smile, my cheek still stained with tears,"Thanks for... for this, I am gonna go wash this face," I said gesturing a finger at my now pitiful face.

"Yeah, you should go," he smiles a little then continues, "And you don't need to say thank you."

I nod and give him a bright smile again, I smelled the beginning of awkwardness in the air so I made a run to the washroom before anybody could see my face.

I wash my face at the basin while grumbling to myself of how stupid I was to cry in front of someone when there was nothing to even cry about. How can I still let something that happened so long ago affect me? How can I let an incident have so much power upon me that I can literally crumble even at the thought of it?

I look into the mirror and mumble, "You are strong," repeatedly under my breath while looking at my washed up face.

I decide that it is enough and Joe must be waiting for me so I let that thought drive me out of the washroom towards the cafeteria filled with chatter. The crying somehow had reduced the intensity of my headache so I was relieved about at least one thing.

"Hey Cam, I saved up your seat!" Joe smiles at me.

I sit down when the realization hits me, "Oh god! I didn't buy anything and I haven't even brought a cookie in my bag," I sigh exasperatedly.

"Shit cam, I am sorry, I finished my lunch already since you weren't here and I actually bought less today," she tells me in a sad tone.

"Its okay," I smile at her but it feels like the food monster has awoken in my stomach and and is grumbling for food.

I look up at the people around the table and notice that nobody had noticed our exchange as they were busy chatting to people physically or virtually. I look beside me at Joe and see that she's rummaging in her bag with the deepest concentration I have ever seen on her face and I raise an eyebrow at her.

"I am looking for some lost food in this black hole of a bag," she grits through her clenched teeth.

I laugh lightly at her and tell her that its not like I am going to starve, which by the way, the food monster very strongly disagrees with.

I start looking around the cafeteria for something to take my mood off of food, while Joe continues her search. As if I hadn't noticed him before, my eyes suddenly fall in Adrian where he is sitting at the far end of the table, he was looking at me with a raised eyebrow, I mumbled a what at him. Adrian gestures in front of me and mouths "food" with a questioning glance.

How the fuck am I supposed to communicate "because of me crying like a baby while you hugged me we got a bit late and the food has finished and neither have I brought anything" into one word that I can mouth and he can understand easily?