Red Kingdom Diaries

Chapter 8: Mission Compromised

On the next Monday, I completely broke down.I kept having conflicting thoughts floating around in my head. I had to ask myself," who am I loyal to Diamonds or Spades? Am I really doing this for Spades or just because Diamonds told me to?" I noticed that I kept pacing around my house in the middle of the night again as well. I started talking to myself and sleeping became so much harder. 

 I didn't know what else to do so, I told Spades the truth. I couldn't fit anymore secrets in my head. Our text conversation went like this.

Me: "Having so many secrets is starting to corrupt my head."

Spades: "Girl relax. Stop with the due date. I decided to tell him when or if i'm ready. Now is not the time. Idk if I even love him. Idk what love is. Just let it all go."

Me: "If you're sure that it's not the time then, I'll drop it." I didn't tell diamonds about this cancellation because I did not feel the need to. 

Spades: "sure"

Me: "and love grows"

Spades: "I see that Valentine's due date has got you stressed"

Me:"it's not just that"

Spades: "I know but, you don't need the additional stress. If you want to tell me, i'm here."

Me: "There's something I've been wanting to tell you and I know you'll probably be mad but, let me explain. The person who asked me to do this is Diamonds." If I failed what's he gonna do, ground me? He is not my father.

Spades:"Please explain. I thought he shipped Clubs with May."

Me:"Not after he saw you two together. When he locked you guys in the basement, it was to ask me what was going on. We talked more about it when you guys were having a moment on Clubs' couch. I encouraged you to go for it because I know 100% he likes you back."

Spades:"What did Diamonds tell you?"

Me:"His exact words were,'he told me that he wishes she wasn't Asexual'. He wouldn't be asking me for help if this wasn't important to him. When all of this is over, are you going to tell Clubs everything?"

Spades:" Yes" 

Spades called me and I basically had to explain the entire story all over again. I guess she just couldn't believe it. I told her the things that Diamond knew about and the things that he didn't.  We talked for half an hour before she got tired and hung up.

Diamonds trusted me to help our friends get together and I had compromised the whole mission. I was spiraling so I couldn't care about that. It's hard to focus when you can barely hear your own thoughts over the sound of your heart. I decided that I just didn't care. I just told Spades that Clubs liked her and I had inside information to prove it. If anything, this made everything better.  

I couldn't handle the stress of being a spy, starting a crush and College. How could I pass my history test when all I can think about was trying to meet meet my deadline or how to get my heart rate back to a normal pace. It also doesn't help that I overthink things sometimes. I get doubts and it helps when I have Spades to help me see things clearly. Without her, I'd lose my mind for sure.

One of the most difficult things about this mission was not being able to tell Spades everything. Ever since High-school ended we've been codependent for each other. I like being able to talk to her about these things. I couldn't do it by myself. I needed someone to talk to and Diamonds was never that close to me to begin with. Even though I did have feelings for him, I saw him strictly as my mission commander. I'm sure he saw me only as his spy.