Red Kingdom Diaries

Chapter 10: Valentine's Day

Since my mission succeeded I had been calling myself the Queen of Hearts or Cupid.

I love Valentine's day. I love that I had gotten my two friends together before Valentine's day.  I didn't like the twinge of pain that I felt when It finally hit me. I didn't have to investigate to know that Diamonds feel the same way about me. It was obvious, he only needed me for the mission and that's fine because we barely knew each other. Strangely, it didn't hurt as much as I thought heartbreak would. I felt worse when Fairy tail ended.

On the night before valentine's day I came clean in our group chat. Soon after, Spades decided she wanted to find me a relationship like i'd done with her. She asked me about what exactly was going on with Diamonds. I sent a screenshot of our latest messages and said," yea, pretty sure he doesn't like me back." 

I had this idea in my head that I didn't care because the crush would fade away anyway. I didn't want to care because that would make things more complicated. I needed things to be purely platonic so that we could remain friends. That's not how life usually works but maybe I could be the exception.  

I started tearing up and thinking about everything. This is the reason why I don't have many male friends. Luckily, my insanity knows to respect the girl code so I don't now and won't ever catch feelings for Clubs. Since May betrayed us, I don't ship her with Diamonds anymore. He was free from the girl code restrictions.  

He was free for my mind to admire and adore. My sanity couldn't control any of it. I couldn't restrain it  or it would come back fiercer. 

Crying over a boy is so out of character for me. Then again, I am usually in fantasy land, dragging out my crushes for as long as I can. I couldn't do that this time, I was too aware. I can't project my soulmate complex onto this poor innocent soul. That would mess things up and he'd freak out. We are barely adults and things are already complicating our group dynamic.  

The pain came gradually. It felt like my whole heart was glass and a tiny piece was slowly being chipped away. It's better than having the whole thing shatter into a million pieces. I wished that I could just drop my feelings and just be normal. for about 5 minutes, the tears kept falling and I didn't even know that I cared this much. I suppressed so much of my emotions because I was 'trying to be professional'. 

Spades wanted me and Clubs to go to the gym with her, but my mom had other plans for me. We were spending Valentine's day in a hotel. Luckily, that didn't stop the two lovebirds from going on their gym date. I was so happy for them, but I needed to confront my own feelings. I couldn't hide behind my mission anymore. My mission was over.  

I wanted to feel happy for Valentine's day but it's hard to feel happy when you feel like you have a scrape on your heart. I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I was hurt, but It's like I wasn't feeling all of the pain that I was supposed to. It's like being scratched with a sword when you're expecting to be stabbed. I wanted to be relieved, but at the same time, it wasn't over.  The worst part is that I was doing this to myself. I am the one who caught feelings. Diamonds didn't know anything about what I was feeling. He wasn't the one causing this twinge of pain, I was.  

I believe that the Queen of hearts has one day and that's Valentine's day. I was going to at least pretend to be happy, because it's my favorite holiday. It was also my friends' first Valentine's day as a couple and I wouldn't be the one to ruin it. I posted pictures of me smiling on Snapchat and Instagram. It didn't matter how many I took, The smiles were all fake. I tried to cheer up, but every time I thought about it I would end up crying again. I had to do something to make the tears go away forever. I had to tell him the truth. 

"Queens have no time to cry, they have a kingdom to run. " That's what I told myself to stop crying temporarily. It worked. 

I had a crush on him, but I didn't want a relationship.  I wanted us to stay friends. I hoped that we could.  A relationship between us wouldn't last, but maybe a friendship would.