Red Kingdom Diaries

Chapter 16: Insanity

I'm pretty sure that i'm gonna lose my kingdom and about half of my friends. I don't want to lose anyone. We are a family or at least we were. I thought we could survive anything after that whole 'i like you' thing. Next thing I know Spades is throwing the stone that'll smash the castle. Now we have to see where we go from here.

Now, I've started something that I usually don't do. I started to backtrack and fantasize about Diamonds. It's not what you think, I swear. In my fantasies, we're not like married or anything. We're not even a couple. I need him to help me get something that I've always wanted. 

When I was 15, I had a nightmare that I had a daughter and I couldn't take care of her. I had no choice but to give her up for adoption. The scariest part was how real it felt. I knew that I was too young to even dare try to have a kid. I cried when I woke up. Even though I knew that It was just a dream, I still loved and missed her.

She has moved from my dreams to my fantasies. It sounds like that's the same thing, but it's a whole new level. Instead of just waiting to see her in my sleep, now I can see her when i'm wide awake. It's worse now because not only will these fantasies strike randomly, but now someone else is involved. My fantasies suggest that I need Diamonds in order to get to her. Don't judge me for actually considering this. I lost my faith in love and that was what I thought was my purpose. Maybe these fantasies will lead me to a new purpose.

I know that we're not endgame. I gave up on soulmates and all of that stuff months ago and even if I hadn't he's just my friend. It seems really messed up but that's just life. I mean if it is a possibility and it does come true, I'm fine with that. I can't speak for him though.

 I wouldn't try to trap him or anything, I can tell you right now that that's not happening. I don't believe in relationships that go beyond friends. Not anymore. I wouldn't ghost him tho, if he chooses to be involved. This is probably too much worrying for a hypothetical scenario but if there is any chance that this could be real, I have to be prepared.  

I actually wrote another song to explain this.

Endgame by Rose Valtorae 

Baby we're alright

And I know we'll be ok

I know that you're just fine

Nothing has to change, no

You've got me like oh oh oh

Don't let me go no no

Baby we're alright

But we'll never be endgame

Faith and trust, love and lust

Could be real, can't be us

Crave the feel, to the touch

Close enough, not too much

We can do this, no strings

And forget about everything

One time and when it ends

We can still remain friends

Baby we're alright

And I know we'll be ok

I know that you're just fine

Nothing has to change, no

You don't get how I feel

Show me that god is real

Only for one night

I want you to take me

Boy, i'm not cinderella

Don't let me rot in the cellar

Love aint a fairytale

With us it just won't end well

I'm in love with someone else

He's not here so I need help

Make me forget, just one night

I'll let you go without a fight

Baby we're alright

And I know we'll be ok

I know that you're just fine

Nothing has to change, no

You've got me like oh oh oh

Don't let me go no no

You don't get how I feel

Show me that god is real

Baby we're alright

But we'll never be endgame

I understand that this is a long shot and I'm probably just making this up in my subconscious. If that's the case then I'll say what I always say. If what I want doesn't exist in this world, maybe it'll be in the next. That means that I don't belong here either. When I do move on, hopefully i'll find what I was missing. You know what they say: If I can only find love like this in my dreams, don't wake me up.

 Spades can't save me, no one can. Why should I even try. Fighting it only makes it worse. 

This sounds way darker than I intended. I'm not suicidal or anything, I'm just giving up on love and relationships because they just seem to cause pain and heartbreak. It's difficult to give up something that took up a big part of your personality and life. That's why I kinda felt like I was in the wrong dimension or something. 

Diamonds is mad and even though he isn't mad at me, I feel like he should be. If it weren't for my need to inform him of what's happening, we'd all be happy right now. I shouldn't have broken the promise that I made to my best friend, for him. I don't know if he'll ever even talk to us again. What's going to happen to us?