Cricket: Ember's Story

Bad Luck

West is on my mind more than Jesse while we're having sex that night. Luckily I still have some of my brain that hasn't been fried by drugs, because I don't scream his name or do anything weird like that. I try to erase West from my brain and fight each thought. Oh but his mouth... his sexy, sexy mouth.

I feel my body react and the vibration of Jesse's soft groan on my neck, like a cat purring. No lips, I think. Okay, no lips. My mind immediately overcompensates by reminding me about his eyes and his body and how he moves and how he probably looks naked and now I'm coming.

Jesse's surprised when he finishes. "You haven't had an orgasm in weeks."

I blush. This is true. Not only that, but I just don't even care about sex anymore. I'd be fine if we never did it again, and I don't know why that is. I was never like this before Cricket. I'd blame whoring, but I've only been doing it a couple weeks. What's my excuse for all the time before that? Hex is right. Women don't need sex like men do.

At first I thought it was because we're so exposed. At the mansion we all had doors between us. Here? My four closest friends already have to watch me pee. It's awkward enough. But when Jesse mentions that orgasm I don't have any excuses. The truth is I was thinking about West, and I feel really guilty about it, like I cheated on Jesse.

I wrap my arms around him and smile. "Well, I guess I'm cured." I kiss him.

"Good, 'cause you been real weird lately," he says. He sits up, reaches for his backpack and starts digging for something inside of it. "You seen my hat?"

I go cold inside. "What do you mean?"

"I mean where's my hat? I can't sleep without it. Too fuckin' cold."

"Here," I say, digging it out from under my back and handing it to him. We kept all our clothes on when we were having sex. It's too cold not to. "What did you mean by I've been weird lately?"

Jesse tugs his hat on, and I push his hair to the side and tuck it up under the edge. Before I can move my hand he grabs it and kisses my gloved fingertips.

"I mean, first you stop using with me. That was a big one. Then you get all crazy about this baby and crying about it, like it's not a thousand percent better off where it is, then lately you start this disappearing act on me. Out for hours with Hex, supposedly panhandling. It just seems like you don't wanna be with me anymore," he says, and I can hear the hurt in his voice.

So for all my lying and sneaking around, I haven't been nearly as smooth as I thought. I'm all he has. I can never leave him. The burden is so heavy I feel it pushing me into the sleeping bag and then into the concrete.

"That's not true! Things are just tense since we lost the house. I really loved that place. It's scary out here, and it's freezing all the time, and I'm just thinking about survival. We all are."

I'm certain Jesse will never buy it, but he does. I guess being in love means you believe lies even when you know deep down they aren't true, because facing the truth hurts too much.

"Let's go to sleep. Nothing is wrong," I assure him, tugging his hat down over his ears. "I love you. Really, really love you."

"I love you too, Ember," he mumbles.

There's no suspicion I can see in his eyes as he stares at me, but I do see something worse: doubt.

——————

West looks adorably nervous when we meet up in Lincoln Park so I can teach him how to smoke pot. I picked this place because lots of people smoke pot here and it's too hard for the cops to figure out where the smell is coming from. I think they've given up arresting people for weed these days anyway. With the opioid crisis and the flood of fentanyl into the city, they have enough on their hands.