Cricket: Ember's Story

Goodbye, Adam

The second worst part about tonight is having to tell the cops I don't know Adam. Gus and Hex are hiding at a gas station down the street, so it's left to me, and I can't say I knew Adam or was with him either because of the meth. They'd cart me off to jail and I'd never get Cricket back.

"Was he still alive when you found him?" asks the cop who's interviewing me.

"No."

"Did you check for ID?"

"No."

"And you're sure you've never seen him? Don't know anything about him?"

I bite my lip, trying to force the hot tears back inside of me. Having to disown Adam hurts almost as bad as seeing his body. I slowly shake my head as I let the cold words leave my mouth.

"I don't know him. I've never seen him. I just was walking and saw the body."

I justify this by telling myself it's best if they don't ID him. The only family he has is his mom, who doesn't deserve to know shit about him. Then there's us, who will keep his memory alive in other ways. No one else needs to know.

The cop finishes up his notes and thanks me. I watch the paramedics lift the stretcher with Adam's body on it into the back of the ambulance. Lights paint the sad bridge orange, blue and red. He's zipped up in a black bag. I look away before I start crying.

Everybody grieves differently. Jesse's reaction that night is the same as Hex's: anger. He storms around the house breaking anything he can and eventually throws all of Adam's stuff out into the snow. Then he sits down on the front porch and sobs into his upraised knees, holding his head. He won't let me near him. Hex has disappeared. She was already gone when I met up with Gus at the gas station.

I can't let myself grieve because I'm handling everyone else's feelings. I have to be the strong one. Usually this role is played by Hex or Adam, but I have no choice but to step up for Gus's sake.

Gus's head is in my lap so I can stroke his hair. He's clinging to his stuffed dog, but at least he isn't crying anymore. We're sitting in the room shared by me and Jesse at the end of the hall, which is lit only by a single lantern. Our shadows are huge in that darkness.

"Maybe getting some sleep would help," I tell him gently.

Gus shakes his head. "I can't sleep."

I smooth his hair back so I can see his swollen eyes staring at the wall.

"You were a really good friend to Adam. I know he needed that," I say.

Gus doesn't answer for a long time. Then he whispers,

"Ember?"

"Hm?"

"Did you ever love a girl like you love Jesse?" he asks softly.

I know what he's getting at. "No, Gus."

"You can't tell anyone this, ever. Okay? You have to promise," he says fervently.

"I promise."

Gus goes quiet for a long time, as if debating with himself about telling me what I already know. What we all know.

Finally he takes a deep breath and says, "That's how I loved Adam. I know I ain't gay but-"

"Gus, it's okay if you are."

"I'm not!" he exclaims, and I know I've touched a nerve.

"I'm just saying your feelings are normal. It's okay to be different," I say quickly, trying to put out the fire I didn't mean to start.