The colours of love

Your Daughter

I was never a fan of hospitals. They terrified me. Waking up in an unknown hospital with an unknown attender did not help the case either.  The only good thing that came out of that entire ordeal  was my Dev. My heartbeat, my soulmate, my savior. Mine!   Now  as I stand outside my mother's room, I am finding it difficult to knock on the door. I look towards my husband, who is patiently waiting next to me, holding my hand and letting me know that he is here for me.  Taking a long breath I knock on the door.

Mr. Prasad opened the door, which surprised me because he is not someone who liked meagre  things. I tried to muster  a smile and I failed. He looked surprised, like he did not expect Iwould come.  But he immediately gathered his wits and nodded at me first and then at my husband.  He moved away from the door and I saw my mother. The same person who had not given me an ounce of love all through the childhood, yet helped me at the time I needed the most.  As I walked in slowly, i  took in the appearance of the fragile figure lying down on the bed. 

My Mother, she was never a healthy person. She always looked skin and bones. But today as I am seeing her, I'm not able to comprehend it.   Her eyes had sunk, her cheeks  hallowed, her hair looked lusterless,  and the clothes she wore looked like it was two sizes bigger. Her eyelashes fluttered, she looked at me with her moist eyes. I walked close to the bed. She hesitantly held my hand, her wrinkled touch was the most affectionate I have ever felt in my life. 

Even before I had decided to see my parents , I had sworn to be strong and not show any emotions . But it took one touch, and my eyes watered.  My entire childhood, I had yearned for my mother's affection and my father's appreciation. And for the first time I felt her love, I did not know how to react.  My mother looked at Mr. Prasad, he immediately held her shoulders to help her sit up. He shuffled the pillows to provide her support. The gentleness with which he held her left me in shock. 

When was the last time my mother asked for her husband's help. When was the last time Mr. Prasad looked at my mother without anything but contempt? When was the last time they interacted without yelling? Never!  What changed then?

"Manya?" i heard my mother whisper, her voice so hoarse, it was not recognizable.  She left my hand and slowly cupped my cheeks, while the tears flowed continuously. She looked at me intently and slowly traced her hands all over my face, as if memorizing my face. She then held my hand and continued to bawl her eyes out.  

This entire situation was so foreign that I could not react. I glanced at Dev, he looked concerned. He moved closer to me, gently patted my hand, and proceeded to look at my mother. I looked at my mother, then at Dev who patted my hand again. Understanding what he meant, I patted my mothers hand. She immediately stopped sobbing. She held my hands and started kissing my hands. She mumbled something, which I could hardly understand. Again, not knowing what to do, I looked at Dev. But this time, Mr. Prasad spoke, " Anitha! she can hardly understand what you are trying to say. Why don't you stop crying, HUH?" He then proceeded to give her the tissue which was right next to the bed.  When she did not listen to him, he gently wiped her tears and slowly asked her stop crying again. This time her cries changed to occasional sniffs. 

"I am sorry Manya, most of the time she is under the influence of the medications given to her. Chemotherapy is exhausting. Why don't you guys sit down on the chairs, I will get you something to eat. Tea Or Coffee?" Mr. Prasad asked.

"There is no need for any of that Mavayya.  We  have to visit. There  is no need for formalities," Dev replied

"But...'

"Manya,  kannna ?  Please forgive me. Forgive your mother, for all the mistakes I have done. Forgive me for all the pain I have given you, Forgive me for all difficulties you have faced. I have been a bad mother, I...I ... I love you Kanna. Trust me I do. It might be too late to say this, but I did not want to die before letting you know, how much I love you. There was not a single day where I did not repent for the sins I have committed against you. There were nights I could not sleep, because I  was worried if you had a roof over head or if you had food which satisfied your hunger.. There were days when I wanted to come and search for you, but I was scared that I will lead you to those monsters. I am sorry!!!" My mother burst out into tears as she completed what she was saying.