If I can't be with you

Love like you've never been hurt

Sophies Point of View

My dad was at home for three weeks now. I stayed at home with him. Ross had to leave again for other gigs they had. But we talked to each other every night on the phone. But I missed him and I needed him right now the most. My dad got weaker and weaker by every day but his mind was still the strong stubborn mind I knew my whole life.

Most of the day he was sitting in his chair on our porch looking at the garden. He enjoyed the sun and one of us was always with him. We all talked a lot with him. Exchanging memories or talking about random stuff. But today he was a little bit grumpy.

"Dad, you need to take your medication again." I said to him while walking out of the house.

"I know," he snapped, "I'm not a little child. Stop this!" I was surprised.

"Sorry, just wanted to help." I said.

"I know, but all of you treat me like a little child that couldn't take care of himself. Since my break down there was never a time I was alone. Even when I'm sleeping you're not leaving. I just need some time for myself. To think or something else. Please all of you give me some space to breathe." he hissed. I left him after this alone. I knew that he was right, but it was hard to leave him alone, because I didn't know how much time was left for us. Later that day my dad called me to him.

"Hey Baby girl. I'm sorry. I didn't want to snap at you. I just need some time for myself sometimes. But that doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying the time I have with all of you."

"It is okay dad. I know you didn't mean it that way. But sometimes it is so hard to leave you." I replied and hugged him. After that I pulled a chair over and sat down next to him. He hold my hand while the both of us were staring into the sun silently. After a while my dad started to speak again.

"Soph, listen to me. I have a few things to say to you." he said seriously. I shook my head and could feel the tears brimming in my eyes. I knew what was coming. He had the same talks already with Lilly and Michael.

"Yes baby and you will listen. I know this is hard for you. But before I leave you, you need to hear something from me. Baby girl you are so serious most of the time. But you need to let go sometimes. You can't control everything. There is a beautiful soul that you hide most of the times. But you shouldn't do that. Shine bright. I know that you're scared of losing again, but you need to love like you've never been hurt. I saw how Ross is looking at you and he really loves you. I don't know if he is the right one for you, but there is a chance he might be. But you're still holding back. You need to give all of you. You are one of the most carrying persons I know and he will appreciate it. And don't always try to be so strong. I know you need some help sometimes, but you're not asking. Ask for help. There will be someone who will be there for you.That you've been hurt doesn't mean, that he will do the same to you. Not everone is leaving." He said that but I still couldn't believe it. My mother left me, Stephen left me and now he was leaving as well. I've never learned that it could be otherwise.

"I can see that you don't believe me but I have trust in him and you should as well. I am sorry that I can't be there for all your big moments. I won't walk you down the aisle or will see and hold all your beautiful children. But I will always be in here." As he said this, he pointed at my chest. He always was the best dad and he proofed it again.

"Soph, I know you can't believe it, but you will never be alone. You have Michael and Lilly. Take care of each other. I love you so much and I am really proud of you." he said. After his talk we just sat there while he hugged me. I never wanted to let go. I was crying really bad. I was already missing him. I could see what he talked about. Me marrying Ross and he was walking me down the aisle. Or me and Ross have children and my dad how he is holding our first child in his arms smiling down at it. But this was all a dream that never would come true.

This was the last time my dad and I really talked. It was a Thursday when my dad died. He just died in his sleep. The doctors said that he wasn't in so much pain. But it didn't matter. All I cared about was, that it was the day when something of myself died as well.