Color of My Pain

21| Golden

*trigger warning: this chapter discusses sensitive topics such as self harm and suicidal tendencies* please take care of yourselves ♡

They collected their provisions on their way upstairs. Armed with icecream and chips, Hoseok led the way back to his room. Even though his parents had retired to their room for the night, Hobi preferred the privacy of his bedroom. Not for any impure reasons... it just felt... closer.

They placed their goodies on his nightstand and Hoseok retrieved his laptop from the floor. Yoongi went to change his clothes for bed and Hoseok changed while he left. Or started to.

He'd changed to a pair of joggers and was contemplating his tshirt choices when Yoongi let out a soft, barely there breath behind him.

Hoseok looked over his shoulder to be faced with a red-faced Yoongi. He was in the doorway, hands fisted in the bottom of his too-long sweatshirt. Staring - not so subtly- at Hobi's back. And Hoseok himself was momentarily too caught up in Yoongi to be cocky about it.

His eyes were shadowed beneath the fluffy fringes of his black hair. His shirt collar hung low, casting his collarbones into sharp, delicate relief. His shorts weren't much longer than his hoodie, showing off his legs, and honestly, Hobi was having a hard time not staring himself.

"P-put a shirt on." Yoongi sputtered, crossing the room and tucking himself beneath the covers.

Hobi listened, mainly because he had no response, and joined Yoongi, holding the laptop between them by balancing it on their squished together thighs. He let Yoongi que up an anime he'd been wanting to watch together and tried not to focus on the warmth of Yoongi right next to him.

He passed across Yoongi's slightly melty ice cream and shifted his own into his lap while the unordinary drawing style filled the screen.

It didnt have the sharp lineage of other animes, instead having a soft stroke and watercolored fading to it. Layers of delicate artistry all brushed together beneath the netting of a storyline. (Doukyuusei,, go watch it)

The movie was short, only an hour long, but they'd had a long day. Yoongi was nodding off against Hoseok's shoulder by the end. Hobi shifted to move the laptop and set their bowls aside, carefully leaving the bed to plug his laptop into its charger. Standing up he startled at Yoongi sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Hey, its finished, we can go to sleep now. I know you're tired, babe."

Yoongi was chewing his lips, shifting to sit on his legs.

"Baby?"

"Um, can we talk? About something important?" He whispered.

Furrowing his brow, Hoseok climbed back onto the bed, the last dregs of fatigue wearing off with the lavender worry that was simmering between them.

"Of course Yooni, what's wrong?"

Yoongi breathed deeply, fidgeting with his hands in his lap.

"Well, you know basically what my dad was like. A- and what he did. And you know I moved in with my mom and that's been really great. But I kinda skipped the me part of it. I promise I'm getting better. I promise. But, you don't know what I did... to me. And you deserve to know."

He pulled his legs out from beneath the covers, pulling his sweatshirt up to his stomach and rolling the legs of his shorts higher up his thighs.

His pale legs were a map of cuts and white lines from cuts.

A map of his broken soul.

"I'm sorry." He bit his lip and tried not to look his soulmate in the eyes, ultimately failing.

He saw tears tracking their way down Hoseok's cheeks. Felt the feather light touch of Hobi's fingers on his legs, tracing the marks one by one. They were a faded gold beneath Yoongi's skin, barely discernable individually, unless you saw the entirety of the work.

"Baby. Why?" Hobi's voice was unsteady, filled with emotion and tears.

This. The most terrifying question. Yoongi couldn't give a singular reason. Felt the reason was buried too deep within his skin and only the sharpest barbed hooks could tear it from his chest. Panicking, he opened his mouth, unsure of where his words tumbled from.

"I- I felt weak. Like I couldn't defend myself. Like I can't. I'm not strong. But it, this, made me feel like I was. I was in control so it was okay. I could see it and it made sense. There was a reason and it was because I hated myself for being weak. I still do, I, I'm-"

Tears coursed down both of their cheeks, Yoongi was hiccuping and Hobi put a hand to his face. He wiped Yoongi's tears, despite his own freely falling.

"You are one of the strongest people I know Min Yoongi. You dealt with all your dad's shit and you never hit back. You never ran. You were strong when you called him out and smarter for doing it when your mom was there to protect you. When you forgave your mom for not being around? Stronger. Most importantly. You stayed."

"For you." Yoongi whispered.

"For me?" Hoseok whispered brokenly.

Yoongi nodded, trying to steady his breaths.

"I love you Min Yoongi."

"I love you Jung Hoseok."

"Come here,"

Yoongi obeyed, snuggling close to Hobi. They stayed like that for a long time, crying softly in each other's arms. Hobi pressed soft kisses to Yoongi's hair, his forehead. He lifted his chin and kissed his nose and finally, his lips.

Yoongi melted into him. He wanted to be closer, no distance. He felt the ache of it in his chest. He pulled him closer, until they were laying against each other, lips still locked in a gentle kiss.

Yoongi broke away, wrapping his arms around Hobi's middle and snuggling into his chest.

"I really like it when you kiss me."

"Me too baby." Hoseok murmered huskily, returning Yoongi's embrace.

They fell asleep, wrapped in the warmth that was all together theirs.