Your Melancholy Calls To Me

WAKAS

Isaiah Dawn Solomon

The sadness won't last forever
The Stars aren't dead tonight

“Low Grade Astrocytoma, basically it’s a stage 2 brain tumor. Well, I’m going to die so I think we have to plan my funeral.”

Natatawa ako nang sabihin iyon, ginalaw ko pa ang hawak kong basong naglalaman ng wine. Inangat ko ang tingin sa kanila at nakita ang pagbubuntong hininga ni Dad, napahawak siya ang kanyang noo samantalang hindi makapaniwalang tumingin sa akin si Mama.

“Hindi ako maniniwala, if you are just throwing a fit because you were sent in Morocco rather than in Amsterdam, stop it!” Ate screamed, iniabot niya ang kanyang hawak na anak sa asawa at kunot ang noong tumingin sa akin. “At nakukuha mo pang ngumiti?!” I can feel the disappointment in her voice.

God knows that the disappoinment I felt when I heard it from the doctor was worst than their disappointment right now combined.

Inialabas ko mula sa aking bag ang dalawang folder at ibinaba iyon sa coffee table. Just like what Ate said, I went home from Morocco to attend an exhibit. My siblings visited to welcome me, yet… here I am and taking advantage of it. Kinuha niya iyon samantalang ang isa naman ay kinuha ni Mama.

“That was the record when I was diagnosed, iyang isa naman ang second opinion. I did the check-up in Morocco… I’ve been feeling quite strange lately so…”

That night, Mama cried in front of us all. Ate was tearing up and Kuya turned his gaze somewhere to avoid my eyes yet I can see him closely tearing up too. Dad was the only one who remained calm, or that’s what I thought. He was just looking at me, I can feel it. To hear their sobs, to see them in pain, was more unacceptable than the fact that I am dying.

My siblings stayed in our house, as they comforted each other. It was difficult for me to see them like that, so I went upstairs and locked myself in my room. That night, I asked God… Anong nagawa ko? Bakit ngayon? Bakit ako pa? I received no answer, just solitude. Silence. The morning came, it was not the same aura anymore. We greeted each other a good morning with a smile on our faces yet the thoughts of last night are still here.

“Isaiah…” Tawag sa akin ni Dad. Napatingin ako sa kanya at nakita ang pag-aalala sa mukha nito. “Do you want us to hire a nurse for you? We already have a family doctor, you can do the check-up here in the Philippines and we can do the treatments…” Lumipat ang tingin ko kay Mama, she was just looking at me and I can see that she is hoping for me to say yes.

“Sure, you can find me a nurse.”

“What about the treatments?” Ate mumbled. “Surgery first, and then the treatments. When?” It was too much pressure, but I was expecting it.

“I will take the medicines,” Diretsong sabi ko. Katahimikan ang namayani sa hapag nang wikain ko iyon. “The tumor grows slowly, Ate… I don’t want to take the surgery right now.” I added.

The reason was simple, I don’t want to take it. If I will settle for the surgery right now, I will probably never gonna leave the hospital again. It is just stage two, I am still normal. I can talk, I can walk, I can tour, I am alright. That’s what I thought, I was living the idea that I am not ill. I don’t want to take the medications such as chemotheraphy and radiation theraphy because it may not prolong my life but instead shorten it. I am an idealist.