Cross Fire (Part II)

Chapter 4

We sit on the sofa in the living room and Shawn waits for me to start talking. I am not sure where to begin and find myself picking at my nail polish.

"What is it baby? You know you can tell me anything."

"I know, I just... haven't told this to anyone. Jesse and my parents are the only ones who know."

"It's ok, whatever it is. I can't help you unless you tell me." he coaxes.

I sigh and decide to lay it all out.

"My junior year in high school I was dating this guy, Matt. He was a senior and a big trouble maker. I think that is what drew me in initially. We were total opposites; I had a 4.0 GPA and went to math contests and he was barely getting by in school. He was cool and popular and a total rebel, no one could tell him anything. For some reason he was interested in me, and we started dating. He had this group of friends that were as same as him, they skipped class to smoke weed all the time. They were a fun and reckless group and I knew my parents would never approve, so I hid the relationship. I was so in love, or what I thought was love then, that I didn't notice all the red flags; the anger, the sketchy older guys hanging around, the drinking. I was blind to it all, it was cool to me then. Maybe because he was my first, I couldn't open my eyes to his true character.
I never skipped school because of him, I always made sure I was home by curfew so my parents wouldn't find out, and everything was going well in the beginning. After a while he started doing worse in school and there was a real possibility that he wouldn't graduate. He was especially mad at one teacher that, he said, was determined to fail him. I am not sure what happened over a period of time, but the teacher complained to the principal, and that is when they decided to fail him. They were right to do so too. His attendance record was really bad, and he failed every exam he took.
Anyway, we were hanging out one night at his best friend Scott's house, and his girlfriend April was there. We were all drinking beer and they were smoking weed and they started getting really wasted. That is when they started talking about Matt and Scott failing the year. Matt started calling the teacher a bitch, and said that she would pay for what she did. Scott said that there was a parent teacher meeting that night, and that it was the time to make a statement. Matt said he had an idea and I saw in his eyes that he meant trouble. I tried to tell him to let it go before he made things worse, but he wouldn't listen. That is when I said that I wasn't going to be part of their plan and that I wanted to go home. Matt said that they would drop me off first and go on to do what they meant to do.
The four of us got in his car, me and April in the back. As Matt was driving I noticed that he wasn't taking me home, and I started to protest and tell him to turn the car around or let me out. He got really angry then, and it was the first time I realized that he wasn't the guy I thought he was. I remember exactly how he told me to "shut the fuck up" and "don't be a bitch", and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I sat quietly in the back and a little while later we parked in a suburban area. Matt and Scott had this evil look in their eyes, and April, she was so wasted and gullible, she would have done anything Scott told her to.
They told me that we were in front of the teacher's house and as I started to protest and try to get them back in the car, Scott told me that they are just going to "rearrange" her back yard and nothing more. I said I wasn't going with them and I that I was going to wait in the car. They snuck in the back and after a few minutes I heard glass breaking. I knew they did something bad, but I was afraid to go and see, so I just stood frozen. I don't know how much time passed when I saw the three of them running towards the car. Matt pushed me in the car and told me we had to run, and I got so panicked I just jumped in the back seat, and he started driving like a mad man. I turned around to look in the back window, because I heard sirens and saw smoke coming from the house. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. They had set a fire.
The police appeared out of nowhere and were chasing us while Matt was trying to get away. They intercepted us quickly and the four of us were arrested.
That night I spent at the police station was literal hell for me. My parents came, and the disappointment I saw on their faces, I will never forget. They got me a lawyer and I made a deal. I was a minor and an unwilling participant so they offered me my freedom if I testified against the others. I was put in a position to betray the person I was in love with or betray my parents. So I picked my parents, and I testified. I will never forget the look on Matt's face when he saw me on that stand. He was 18 and was tried as an adult, Scott and April were too even though they were a few months away from turning 18.
Matt was found guilty on multiple accounts, breaking and entering, vandalism, arson, driving under the influence and possession. He got four years in prison, Scott got two and Amber got home arrest and parole.
I was the only one that got to live her life. I later found out that the fire had spread to the neighboring house and that one more family lost nearly everything. I felt so guilty that I wanted to do anything I could to help out. Unfortunately, the teacher and the family next door didn't want anything to do with me, so I organized an anonymous go-fund-me and put my entire college savings in it. A lot of other people donated and luckily it was enough to help both families.
I finished my last year of high school being home schooled and I got in to college on a scholarship thanks to my math awards, and perfect S.A.T. scores. And that has led me where I am now.
My record was sealed and I kept this secret until now."

I am finished talking and I look up at Shawn to see him staring into space with a frown on his face. I don't know how much time passes before he speaks.

"This is why you were so scared of being in the spotlight with me?" he finally looks at me and asks.

"Yes."

"Why did you feel the need to hide this from me?"

"I didn't "feel the need to hide" anything. It just something I don't talk about, because I am afraid that it will follow me for the rest of my life."

"You know everything about me, the bad especially.", he says, and I can't believe that he is hurt about this.

"Well yes, but to be honest, I know all these things because they are online. You never really told me anything yourself.", I counter.

"Would you have told me if it wasn't about to leak?"

"I would have at some point."

"But not now? After everything we've been through together!"

I can't believe that he is acting this way after what I just told him.

"What happened to you helping me if I told you everything? Frankly, I did not expect this to be your reaction." I say with disbelief.

"Well how do you want me to react? I thought you were going to tell me that there are some embarrassing stories from your college years about to leak!"

"You are being a real asshole right now. You are also making me regret the fact that I told you." I say and get up from the sofa.

"Hey, don't walk away. You can't run from this." he gets up to follow me.

"I am not running, you are chasing me away! What is with you anyway? You've been so distant lately and now your acting this way!"

I've been working Mila, I haven't been distant. You are the one who's been distancing yourself. You barely spend any time with me anymore, you are always either working late or tired; you never want to go anywhere with me, it's like you are embarrassed to be seen with me."

I can't believe what he is saying. I know I have been a little closed off since the incident, but it had nothing to do with my love for Shawn, and everything to do with me and my way of dealing with it.

"Is that how you feel? I wasn't trying to distance myself, and the only reason I have been avoiding going out is because every time I do, everyone just acts like I am about to break. Also, I would never be embarrassed of you."

"And this story you told me, why didn't you feel like you can tell me earlier? We've been together for a year. You've had plenty of time to decide if you trust me or not. And guessing by this situation I would say not.", he says and balls his hands into fists.

"Shawn this isn't about you. I don't know what has gotten in to you to think this way. And if this is the way you react, I will think twice before telling you anything else.", I am beginning to get angry.

"Is there something else?", he raises his eyebrows.

"You are missing the point! And this conversation is not going in the direction I thought it would." I rub the bridge of my nose as I feel a migraine coming on.

"What direction was it supposed to go? There is a story about you that is about to leak, and you told me because you had to. It's not like I've been here for a year, sharing everything with you!"

"Shawn you are being ridiculous right now! I just told you about a painful and embarrassing part of my life and instead of being supportive, you are mad that I haven't told you earlier!"

"You are right, this conversation is going nowhere. I will call Andrew and see what he can do to burry the story.", he says and heads towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I yell after him.

"The studio. I need to think." he says and slams the door behind him.