PERFECT PLACES

Jonathan (10)

Every once and a while I feel something inside myself. Something original and pure. In these moments, I think that almost everything around me is just fake scenery. The entire world, as it exists, is just plasticky, manufactured, and unchanging. The roots of society are planted so far in the ground. So much time has passed since certain things have been the way they are, I think. The entire world has become infested with the byproducts of creatures. The garbaged and metastasized society has grown into such a large existence that nothing around us resembles what it did before. Everyone, in their normal lives, just thinks about things within the confounds that have grown and twisted their way into our societal reasoning. The way that everything is, is just a pileup of everything that ended up lasting from before. There could be, and definitely is, hundreds of millions of things that have happened before any of us alive were living, that should have been ingrained into our lives. So many ideas and things could have grown out of so many people and so many groups of people from the past, but never had the chance. What is happening right now is so fucking random. It's completely ridiculous how unoriginal the present is. How utterly unimportant today is to anyone ever; it probably isn't important to you. Everything that is happening now, could have happened a thousand years ago if things progressed in a different way. They could have happened millions of years from now. In fact, things may be happening right now that should mean something, but never ever will. A blip of insignificance from somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Everything is pointless and useless.

I sometimes have a feeling that I want to feel like I mean something to the world. It usually comes to me in the dark, in my bed, wide awake into the hours of the morning. Something hits me like a shockwave, and I am jolted into an unthinkable sensation. I realize that my life is passing me by, right now, and that I am doing nothing to stop it. I feel out of control. The way my life is moving itself along isn't the way I want it to. It feels like everything that exists around me is pushing me around and tossing me into the dirt. The external forces of all this random matter that has accumulated around me is pushing me inward. Until I feel nothing at all. I feel like I have no control over how my life will continue beyond this exact moment; I feel like my life is being tossed around by someone else.

Why do I feel so bare and empty? There are bad feelings that keep creeping into my brain, and I can always feel them coming. Really, really bad thoughts. Like the ones I used to obsess about when I was younger. And I'm worried that this time they are actually real.

The motions of my life, of my normal and exhausting life, are distracting me from something hidden deep inside my consciousness. I feel like I have something inside myself to share. To everyone, really. I feel like my body and mind have the capacity to imprint themselves permanently into this growing landfill of human fabrication. I feel like I can be one of those people that millions of other people know. I feel like everyone should know my name. How I exist now and what I feel inside are so different from one another that I feel like I am living inside of a stranger. I know that my life could be much different than it is now. I could transcend the normality of everything around me and become a unique and special entity, separate from everyone else. All of these other people, the masses, will continue to be pushed around by the currents of reality. But I won't; I'll be somewhere else.

Sometimes, I hold my fists tight in the dark at night. I let out a silent scream, shaking my head and feeling intense anger. I know that I can do better. I know that there is a chance to push myself to such greater areas of life than the ones I have discovered so far. I know that I can punch through the ceiling, somehow, and float above the ground.

But I'm still on the ground. And being on the ground is exhausting. Hopelessness engulfs my existence and trickles down into the deepest depths of my mind.

I want to feel my life changing. I want to feel an irresistible urge on the surface on my skin. I want to push forward through all of the bullshit.