Hellcat

Chapter 52

Months passed as pieces of my life slowly fell back into place. Three months since that morning on the roof, to be exact. Four months since I died. It took that long for my life to return to me – at least, the memories of the life I had. I remembered Karen Page. I remembered Foggy Nelson. And I definitely remembered Matthew Murdock. I could remember how desperate he'd sounded that night when I'd gone to his apartment. Going there that night, what had that done to him? He had lived a whole month with my death on his conscious. I knew he blamed himself. He always blamed himself. That was part of the Catholic guilt. But knowing that my last action was to watch his back instead of my own? That would destroy us both.

I woke up that morning to the familiar, unbearable pain. It radiated everywhere, just like it had that night. It gripped me tight and didn't let go for what felt like eternity, but was actually only a few minutes. The pain was so intense that I couldn't breathe from the moment I woke up. But as it faded, it became easier to breathe. And when I was able to move again, I almost didn't want to. But I forced myself to get up and get dressed.

I had been living in my condo, slowly and quietly fixing it up. Anything that had been riddled with bullet holes, I had to throw away. Most of my clothes were destroyed, but I still had some jeans and a few t-shirts to wear, along with a hoodie I had stolen from Matt one night. Last year, in that peaceful time between taking down Fisk and the Punisher case. It was too big on me, but the size offered comfort and warmth. It was a Columbia sweatshirt. I wore it home one morning after crashing at Matt's place. Of course, I couldn't help smiling somberly at the memory of him taking the couch so that I was forced to take the bed.

I had to tell him I was alive. After wrestling with myself for the last three days, I needed to tell him. Three days ago, I had finally remembered everything. Everything he and I had been through. Everything he felt for me. Everything I felt for him but never had a chance or the courage to say. And the guilt of hiding out in my condo for the last three months destroyed me; I could only imagine what it did to him. But a small part of me said that I shouldn't tell him. That I should pick up and go somewhere else. Start a new life for myself. After all, that's what he had been forced to do since I died. Maybe he had already moved on. Maybe he had already healed and I would just cause more harm than good. Maybe he didn't want me around anymore. But that wasn't my decision to make – it was his.

I finally forced myself out into the real world, moving through the streets in the hopes of finding him. But as I walked, I kept trying to think of what to say. How could I explain this in a way that he would understand? How could I explain this in a way that he wouldn't take the blame for himself? How could I apologize for the pain I'd put him through?

As it turned out, I didn't have to go all the way to Matt's apartment to find him. Even lost in my own thoughts, I heard him loud and clear. He was in a diner across the street, sitting at a booth with Karen. Something else that had developed since my death was increased senses. I could hear things from farther than any other human. My vision was impeccable and I could even small the applewood smoked bacon the cook had just thrown down on the cook top in the diner.

Matt and Karen had been talking when a waitress came up and offered coffee, explaining to Matt that the sugar was on the left and cream on the right. Matt felt around for the cream, playing the part as the waitress left. "Sorry, it got..." Matt trailed off, voice low as he spoke to Karen. "Yeah," she muttered, discomfort in her voice.

"Do you wish you'd kept your secret to yourself?" she finally asked him. "No. I needed you to know. I don't know what I expected, but I... I know I couldn't lie to you anymore. Especially since..." Matt trailed off, his voice taking on a darker tone. His head dipped slightly and I heard him take a deep breath to steady himself. "Since Allison," Karen offered to him, earning a short nod in response. "Yeah. It wouldn't have been fair to either of you. She was your friend, and you deserved to know," Matt explained. The tightness in his voice made my gut twist painfully.