Hellcat

Chapter 67

The next day was quiet, and I was heading through the offices of the Bulletin, on my way to pick up Karen for lunch. She and I were going to talk about what she'd found on Fisk and come up with a game plan. At least, that was the plan. But plans change – especially when you hear something you waited months to hear, and then months accepting you never would.

"Matt's alive," Karen muttered in disbelief. "He came to me last night, at this bar. He told me to stay away from Fisk, and to tell you and Allison the same, but not say that he told me that," Foggy explained quickly. "Not tell us? I mean, what..." Karen trailed off. I could imagine her gripping her hair in frustration. "Honestly, I don't think we should tell Allison," Karen muttered. "What?" Foggy snapped in disbelief. "You know what losing Matt did to her. If she finds out he's been alive this whole time? I can't even imagine..." she trailed off once more.

The two of them must have forgotten that the office door wasn't closed completely. Even if it was, I could have heard them if I wanted to. A strange tidal wave of emotions crashed into me. I was feeling too much all at once – and it came out as a bitter laugh.

I had reached the door when I heard Karen say those words, hand hovering by the door to push it open. I let myself drop my hand, the door swinging slowly open to reveal their shocked, wide-eyed faces as I just let out a strange laugh. One that almost sounded a bit disturbed. Then my laugh faded away to shuddering breaths.

"Why would you lie about that, Foggy?" I asked him. His blue eyes darkened with sadness and regret. But he didn't understand what I was asking. "Why would you lie about seeing Matt?" Confusion filled his gaze. He thought I was asking about keeping it from me. But the truth was that much more painful. "He's dead," I said with a strangled laugh. "I saw him die. I saw a building collapse on him. There's no way he... he can't come back like me."

My heart hammered against my ribcage, threatening to break free. My stomach twisted So painfully that I thought I would be sick. Blood rushed through my ears, muffling their voices. "Allison, I know what I saw. I talked with him. Matt's alive," Foggy muttered gently, taking small steps towards me.

"No. No, he's not," I insisted, voice becoming harsh and dangerous. Foggy stopped coming towards me, freezing. "You know how I know? Because he's not here. If he were alive, he would have found me. He would have... he'd be here, with me." I was near hysterics, and I knew they saw that.

"Allison, I'm sorry," Karen tried to say, taking a step towards me, but I held my hands up in warning and she stopped. "No, okay? Just stop. Stop lying, both of you. He's dead. Matt's dead! He... he can't be alive," I started rambling.

Everything was too loud. I felt like I was standing right in front of movie theater speakers. Or even louder ones, like from rock concerts. Everything was too bright. The sunlight that shown through the windows was blinding. The florescent lights above me seemed to pulse, blinding me. My skin felt like it was on fire. My lungs ached as I sucked in ragged breaths. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Panic began to set in as images flashed through my mind. Images of Midland Circle collapsing. Images of Matt's body being crushed under thousands of tons of concrete and steel. Images of his crumpled, broken body lying at my feet. Images of blood everywhere and his brown, sightless eyes without their usual shine.

"I can't... I-I can't breathe," I heard myself pant as my hand came up to my chest, clutching at my shirt like it would help. But nothing helped. Everything was too loud. Everything was too bright. Everything was too painful.

Karen and Foggy called after me as I spun and ran from the office. I had to get out. I had to escape. But a hand caught my arm. Spinning on the one keeping me from escaping, I grabbed ahold of the offending arm and shoved them away. I barely registered that it was Sam I had shoved into a desk before I raced from the office building, tears welling up in my eyes as everything overloaded my hyper senses.

The street wasn't any better. The fresh air didn't help. I still felt like I couldn't breathe. Everything was still too loud. Everything was still too bright. So, I kept running. I must have looked like a mad woman, but I didn't care. I didn't notice the strangers that passed by me. I didn't notice the cars that whizzed down the road. I just knew I needed to escape. I needed to get somewhere safe. I needed to get to Matt's.

Before I knew it, I was fumbling for the keys to his place in my pocket. After a few tries, I finally got the key into the lock and opened the door. "Matt?" I called out, rushing into the apartment without warning. "Matt?" My gaze flickered around every corner, my feet following the path so I wouldn't miss anything. "Matt!" I called out; voice shrill as I ran into the bedroom.

But there was no one. The apartment was empty. I was alone. Now everything was too quiet. Now everything was too dark. But everything still hurt too much. I collapsed on the floor, ugly sobs and wails of pain escaping me as I curled in on myself, trying to bring myself comfort. But nothing worked. I never felt so broken – so alone.

It was dark when I arrived at the church. The chapel itself was empty, even the nuns and priests were gone, except for Sister Maggie. She was tending to the candles at the base of the pulpit. My whole body seemed to shake as I sat in one of the pews. What was I doing here? Why was I even going to do this, knowing that Matt was alive and not some spirit I had been talking to for months? But, for some reason, I felt like I had to do this. After all, this was all I had. I didn't know where Matt was, so I couldn't just run off to find him and curse him out.

Instead, I just stared up towards the ceiling. "You bastard," I heard myself growl, tears brimming in my eyes. "You bastard. After all this time? And you go to Foggy. Really? You didn't come find me? Why didn't you..." My breath hitched in my throat and I had to force myself to suck in some air before continuing.

"Is this your choice, Matt? Staying away from me? Is that the choice you made when Midland Circle collapsed?" God, I was so stupid. Spending months talking to the air like he was there. Like he could hear me from beyond the grave. I was stupid for mourning him. He hadn't been dead. He just hadn't wanted to be with me anymore. Maybe that was why he let himself die at Midland Circle. Maybe, after everything, he had chosen Elektra. That's what it felt like.

"You chose to die with her, Matt. You chose to die with Elektra, rather than live with me." A strangled breath escaped me, but I forced myself to stop shaking and set my jaw. "Well, it doesn't matter if you're alive. You're dead to me, Matthew. Wherever you are, I hope you can hear me, because you're dead to me. I will never forgive." With one more shuddering breath, I stood from the pew. Noticing Sister Maggie watching me, I gave her a small nod as I brushed tears from my cheeks. She didn't move or say anything as I turned and left the chapel, heading for home.