Hellcat

Chapter 69

After that little interrogation, I went to the Bulletin. Guilt ate at me for what happened yesterday, especially with Sam. I remembered him looking so concerned, but I hadn't registered it in the moment. I had been too freaked out – too panicked. If I was honest with myself, this little trip was purely selfish. Yes, I felt bad, but I also needed a distraction. I needed something to keep my mind off of Matt and worrying about him.

Sam sat at his desk, eyes flickering from his laptop to his note pad. Softly knocking on the half-open door of his office, I offered him a sheepish smile. Sam's head snapped up, green gaze locking on me. "Hey," he muttered in greeting, shocked at my appearance. I wasn't sure if I looked as off as I felt, or if it was just that I was there that shocked him.

"Hey," I huffed out, leaning my head against the door. "Can, uh... can we get out of here? There's something I need to tell you – to explain," I began, nerves eating away at my insides. I had to keep pushing forward. I had to keep moving on. This was part of that.

He hesitated for only a moment but gave a small nod. "Sure. Want to grab some food?" he asked, shoving his note pad in his bag before tugging on his coat. "Uh, I was actually hoping we could talk at my place. More private," I suggested, nibbling at the inside of my cheek. "Uh-oh. That can't be good," he tried to tease as he grabbed his back, slinging it over his shoulder. But when he saw my expression, and how serious I was, he just nodded. "Yeah, we can do that." I nodded my thanks before we left the office in silence

We walked the whole way to my apartment without a word. I wasn't sure if I was grateful for that or not, since it only gave me time to think and obsess over what I was going to say or if I was even going to say anything at all. But it was a bit late for that now. So, I guess it was more me thinking about how much I would tell him.

He came inside my apartment and sat on the couch slowly, a bit awkward as he watched me begin to pace. "Allison," he called as I ran my fingers through my hair. I didn't stop pacing. How was I going to explain any of this? How was I about to tell him this?

"Hey," he called out softly, reaching forward and catching my hand. I stopped pacing, letting myself turn towards him as his grip tightened comfortingly on my fingers. "Whatever it is, you can tell me." His voice was soft and open, accepting of whatever I had to say. He wanted to be there for me. He wanted me to let him take my burdens away.

Maybe it was just the need to have someone real to talk to. Someone who didn't know the situation. Someone who could offer advice or comfort. Maybe it was just the need to let someone in again. I'd been so alone since Matt died. Maybe I just needed to not feel alone anymore.

Taking a deep breath, I shifted to sit on the couch beside him, lacing my fingers together in my lap as I leaned forward on my legs. "You know how I've never mentioned my ex before? Even when you asked me? I just always said it didn't end well?" Sam gave a small nod, leaning forward on his legs much like me so that he could see my face even though my eyes were locked on my carpet.

"It... didn't end bad because we broke up. It ended bad because he... he died," I muttered, voice fading quickly. Emotion began to gather in my throat, and I had to fight to keep it back. "I'm so sorry, Allison," he muttered, shifting closer to me in an attempt to be comforting. But, for some reason, I didn't feel any better. Maybe if I keep talking, it'll help. "He and I... we went through a lot together. I was there for him when his father died, and he was there for me when mine did, too. We grew up together. We... we were high school sweethearts."

A fond, breathy laugh escaped me at the memory of Matt and I at junior prom. I'd made him wear a tie that matched my dress and everything. Afterwards, we'd snuck into the church library with a flask a friend of mine had given me. We got a little drunk and a little loud, and one of the nuns had heard us. But Matt heard them coming and he pulled me into the chapel. I remembered stifling giggles the whole way as Matt led me down into a room below the church. It had a washer and dryer, a sink – and a bed.