Hellcat

Chapter 66

Six Months Ago...

I sat in the church pew, thinking to myself, how stupid could I be? But Karen and Foggy were right. I needed to talk to someone. But I didn't want to talk to them. A part of me felt like I couldn't. they thought they knew what I felt, but it was different. They lost I a friend. I lost something so much more.

I definitely didn't want to talk to God, that was for sure. If there was a merciful God, why had He let me die? Why did He bring me back? Why did He keep me from remembering for so long only to remember with enough time to feel the pain I had brought Matt before he died? How was any of that considered mercy?

But Father Lantom had given me an idea of who to talk to. Matt. I still felt stupid, talking to a dead man. But I had to get this off my chest. I had some things to say and I couldn't keep them bottled up any longer.

"God, this is so stupid," I huffed, shaking my head. Taking another deep breath, I tried to begin. "Hey, uh..." Well, this is going great. I scoffed, shaking my head. "How did you ever do this?" I asked. I felt more like I was speaking to the air than to the spirit of Matt Murdock. I felt ridiculous. But I kept going because I knew I had to.

My lip began to quiver, and my throat started to close. Tears threatened to spill down my cheeks, but I sucked in a breath to force them back. "I hate you," I whimpered, body beginning to shake with the effort of keeping the tears at bay. "I hate you for leaving the way you did. For making me think you would make it out of that building. For kissing me like that when you knew it would be our last. For..." I trailed off, sucking in a breath before I could continue.

My heart ached and I felt nauseous as I sat in the pew. Tears began to leak down my cheeks, and I thought about brushing them away. But I was too tired to try and hide my pain anymore. I was too tired to cover it up, or keep it buried. "I hate you for leaving me," I managed to choke out. A sob shuddered through me and I gulped down some air to try and keep myself composed. I had to get this out, even if it felt like I was just talking to air.

"I just got you back. I just remembered you, and you forgave me. I just got you back and then you were ripped away again. And I don't know if I believe in Heaven. I don't know if what I saw was Hell or just nothing," I began to ramble. The words spilled from my lips amid sobs, but I kept going. The dam was broken and everything I had been keeping buried was coming to the surface.

"I want to believe you're not where I was. I want to believe that it's not just darkness for you. Maybe you're somewhere warm... safe. Maybe you're free." A thought popped into my head and I let out a small chuckle. "Maybe you're up there boxing with our dads. God knows they would kick your ass."

My body shook with another sob and I sucked in a breath. My stomach was twisting painfully, but I ignored it. "I miss you so much, Matty. I miss you so much and it hurts. It hurts like hell and it won't stop. I wish it would just stop," I ranted, reaching up to tangle my fingers with my hair. Maybe that little bit of physical pain would let me relax enough to get all this out.

"I wish you were here. I wish you would just hold me – tell me everything's gonna be okay. I keep trying to tell myself that, but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like anything will every be right again." Taking a deep breath, I wiped at my cheeks before lifting my gaze to the ceiling, as if I could see him hovering over me like an angel. "But I'm trying. I'm really trying to keep going. I'm trying to live like I know you'd want me to. I'm trying to find some kind of happiness. I'm trying... for you..."

Sobs cut me off and I was left in the pew, crying to myself. Everything felt empty without him. I felt empty. How could I keep going? How could I find happiness again when the thing that had always brought me the most joy was gone? And so, I cried, letting everything flow out of me. This was so stupid. Why did I think this would help at all? I didn't feel better. I only felt the same – full of pain. Just, now it was on the outside rather than bottled up inside. I wish I'd stayed dead.