This isn't the end

Birthday celebrations

Since Felix's party Luke started talking to me more. I figured that the text I got that night was his. I was still figuring out how he got my number, probably Val gave it to him.

Every time he tried to talk to me at school I could feel Val's eyes on me. I felt annoyed by it. I hated the feeling of being constantly watched. Like I have no privacy. 

Since my birthday was coming up, I decided to invite him. Partly because I didn't want for Felix to only know one person and partly beacuse I liked him as a friend.

When I came home mom was making lunch. We ate together. I asked her about my party. She wasn't keen about it at first but then she decided she'll convince George to visit his mom.

I was excited. My birthday's coming up so I decide to call Patty.

»Hell yeah I'm coming! I wouldn't miss your birthday for the world. Can't wait for the party!«

»Yeah me too. I only have one problem. I don't want to invite Felix, but I have to since he's Valerie's boyfriend. I realy want not to hate him but he's actually nice. But I just can't help it. You know?«

»You said it yourself that you're going to act normal around them.«

»I know! And I hate it! You know sometimes I wonder what would have happenned if I wasn't so fucking blind about the signs. I mean she was always cuddly only with me, she even gave me a heart necklace just before I went to Sweden for two months. I mean she even sent me a song that was clearly saying I LOVE YOU!!!! How could I have been so blind?«

»You can't beat yourself for it. What happenned happenned. I can see you have some regrets about it but if it's meant to be it'll be. You know like in movies?« she chukled.

»I know. I just realy want to tell her. But i don't want to ruin anything for her... It's just one party. I'll survive.«

She didn't sound convinced.  » Yeah like Felix's party?«

I didn't want to answer that question, so I faked being called by mom. I hung up.

I lied on my bed. It's just one party. What could possibly happen.

The next day I invited everyone I cared about plus some people I knew from this or that activity in school. I even invited Luke although I was second guessing my decision. 

************

It was the big day. Patty was supposed to come here an hour ago, but she was late. As usual.

As soon as I saw her I ran up to her for a hug. We haven't seen eachother in over two months. A nightmare. I helped her get the suitcases inside. She was already looking around the house.

Mom, Jack and George already left so the house was ours for the next couple of hours before the guests start arriving.

She loooked around the house. This was actualy her first time being in my house, since she usualy came when my parents were home she didn't have time to explore so now she decided to search the whole house. of course she stopped in my room.

»Well if it isn't April's room. Just like the one back in our town. Do you ever change anything in your life?« she teased me as she walked in.

I chuckled and answered: »You know me. Nothing ever changes.«

My room was plain white. Although we've been living here for over two years now, the only decoration I had was a calendar and two pictures: one with her and one with Val. My desk was a mess, full with papers, pens. She knows I don't draw, so she must have known those were papers that should be kept in a dairy not out in the open. As she was searching through my drawers she noticed my bed. It was bigger than the one I had back home. She sat on it and suggested that we clean the desk before others arrive.

I agreed. I didn't want anyone finding out about my deepest darkest secrets.

As we finished cleaning the desk, the bell rang. I went downstairs and opened the door. Tomy suprise it was Luke. He was wearing a jacket and jeans that were hanging from his hips. His hands were in his pockets. He looked nervous. 

»Oh, hi!« I stood there suprised. »You know the party doesn't start for an hour or so« I added.

He looked at me and fixed his glasseds: »Hmm, yeah I know. I just wanted to know if you need any help?«

I stood there in shock, until Patty interupted and said: »Yeah, come on in. Hi, I'm Patty. We still have some cups to prepare and we need to put food into bowls. Come the kitchen is right around the corner.« 

She pointed towards it, he stepped in and headed to the kitchen.

I recovered from the first shock. I mean I don't talk to him that much. What is he doing here, helping me.

I pulled Patty by the sleeve and pushed her into the living room: »What are you doing??«

»Is that the sweet Luke you've been talking about?« she asked.

»Shush!! I don't want him to hear you.« I looked into the kitchen if he heard us but he seemed distracted. 

I looked back at her: »Yeah that's him now please stop acting like that you know I like someone else.« I whispered.

»I know, I know. He seems cute and shy. If you change your mind...« saying that she left me.

I stood there for a moment and then I joined them in the kitchen. I smiled at Luke and he smiled back with an apologetic smile.

Soon after people started coming. I drank a shot with everyone who came. That made me drunk soon enough. I don't remember much, only some bits and pieces.

Between 3 and 4 am everyone left. The only one who stayed was of course Patty because she was sleeping here. 

I said goodbye to Luke and escorted him to the porch where his older brother was waiting for him.

I hugged him: "Thanky you for coming. See you at school on Monday."

Before he could answer I headed back inside where I found Patty cleaning up. I helped as much as I could since I drank a lot.

************

The whole weekend I laid in bed. The only two times I actually got up was to say goodbye to Patty who clearly enjoyed the state I was in and when Val came to check up on me.

The whole weekend when I wasn't sleeping, I was thinking about Val. I knew excatly why I got so drunk. I couldn't bare to look at Felix and Val. Every thought about them made me feel even worse. Why do I keep doing this to myself. It's torture. With every second I kept on thinking about them I felt worse. I wish I could cry, it would certainly made things better. But i couldn't. Every time i got into this thinking spirals it was hard to get out. Sometimes a pen and a paper would help. Writing down my thoughts or just random things that came to mind. But sometimes it made things even worse. 

I wish Tommy was here. Or Patty. I wish someone would care about me.

I'm all alone.

Thank you very much for choosing to read this story. I really hope you're enjoying it. :)