This isn't the end

She wakes up

the next time I woke up it was in the middle of the night. i coughed and try sitting up. I had a headache. I noticed my arms were bandaged. I couldn't remember what had happened. I tried remembering for hours but I couldn't. Slowly the sun started to appear.

the doctors checked me out and told me that everything is fine except that I'm experiencing some sort of short term amnesia. They said I should remember everything soon.

At 8 am when visitors are allowed to visit my family came. They were all glad to see me.

Mom started talking: "Do you remember anything that happened?"

"No, mom, I told the doctors already. I remember coming home from school after a crappy day and then I was here." I was really glad to be awake and seeing everyone especially Jack.

"I'm just glad you're okay, sis." Jack said and hugged me.

"Don't worry, I'm gonna annoy you for some time now" I smiled.

"we're happy to have you back, April." George added.

"Hey, where's Tommy?" i was curious because I wasn't sure if mom had called him.

"He's downstairs getting some coffee." mom explained.

Having said that Tommy came to my room with a cup of coffee in his hand. "Hello there. How are you feeling?"

"Alive, and I have a headache."

"Well, we're gonna go, Jack has a match today so we have to leave. Julian should come here in the afternoon. see you later, honey."

We said goodbye. Everyone had already left when mom was stopped by a doctor in front of my door. I didn't want to eavesdrop but I couldn't help myself. They were talking loudly enough so I could hear them.

Doctor: "You should really talk to her. the sooner the better. As I said before I can recommend some physiatrists or point you in the directions so she gets the best help she needs."

MOm: "Thank you, but I think I know how to take care of my daughter."

I saw her take some pamphlets from doctors hands and disappear.

I don't need help. I'm totally fine. I don't remember what had happened but it couldn't be that bad. Unless... I looked at my hands, I started uncovering the bandages. Underneath I found wounds, cuts, they were stitched. Did I fall?

Suddenly it hit me like a wave. I remembered how and why I did this. I couldn't believe I let it get this far. Now, I've been caught. They found out about the alcohol, they found out about everything. I couldn't believe I was so stupid to cut myself that deep. I'm surprised I'm even alive right now. I should be dead, buried in the ground and forgotten. But I'm alive.

There was one other thing I remembered. It was about my life, the dream I had. I knew it wasn't real. what was it then? A stupid wish of a child. It's true, I was in love with Alec when we lived there, something might have even happened if we hadn't moved. And dad was there... everything was perfect. I started crying.

In the afternoon Julian came to visit. He was alone.

"Hey, sweetie, how are you?"

"Fine I guess, after what happened." I answered.

"Do you remember anything that happened. Your mom said you don't remember but did anything come to you?."

I was thinking whether I should tell him I remember or not.

"I didn't in the morning, but now I do."

"You had me worried sick. I can't lose you. YOu made my life so much better ever since I had met you. I love you, April." I love how my name sounded on his lips.

"I made your life better. How? I'm such a mess, everything I come close to I ruin. I ruined my friendship with Val, with Luke even with dad. I'm such a fucking mess. I don't understand how you can love someone like me, especially because I brought all this drama and before your life was perfect." I wanted to cry so badly. I felt the corners of my eyes watering. He took my hands in his.

"Look me in the eyes." I looked at him. "Yes, you're a mess but you're my mess. My life was so boring before you came, now I finally feel Like I'm living my life as I should. You didn't ruin anything, because even my life isn't perfect. You don't need to be perfect for me. I love you no matter what." I saw a tear drop from the corner of his left eye.

I kissed him. the only thing I said was : "Thank you, Julian. I love you."

******

The next Day mom came alone.

"honey, we need to talk. The doctors said that the wounds on your hands resemble to self harm. Like you cut yourself. And George found a bottle of alcohol in your room. Honey I don't know what to think. What's happening to you?" she sat by my bed.

I was quiet. After a few minutes of silence she finally spoke again

" Look, I don't know what you're going through But I can't let you go through it alone. I want to help you. "

" you want to help me? How about you leave me alone. I don't need anyone." I looked away from her.

"Honey, please. I talked to some doctors and they got ways to help people like you." she looked desperate.

"people like me. You know what, mother, I don't want to go. If you care you would have notice there was something wrong with me months ago. It shouldn't take something like this for you to notice. Maybe you're not the perfect mom you thought you are." it was the truth. She looked shocked.

" Look honey I truly Just want to help you. I don't want you to end up like your father. "

"Oh, trust me if That's what it takes to drive me away from you then gladly."

"Honey..."

"please leave mom, I don't need help."

I knew I said some harsh words But I truly didn't want any help. I need to figure this out on my own.

I was thinking about How to get myself out of this mess when I heard a knock on my door.

"May I Come in?" I haven't heard that voice in ages. It was Patty. I was so glad to see her because I needed someone to talk to and I didn't want to talk to her over the Phone.

"When did you get here?"

"George called the Day of your accident. I came the next Day. I'm saying at Barry's till the end of the week and then I have to go to school. I needed to see you."

"Oh god I've missed you. We haven't see eachother since your party. That's like a month ago."

"yeah. Your mom sent me. Here to talk to you about something. April you need help. I knew something was up with you that you were hiding something But I thought eventually you were gonna Tell me. I'm so disappointed it had to come to this. You have to sort whatever's been going on with you. Ever since Val."

I knew she was right But I still wasn't sure.

" Look, if you don't want to do this for you do it for Jack and Julian, heck show your father you aren't like him. That there are better ways of dealing with this kind of things. I believe in you. "

"I know. I-I don't know if I'm ready." my hands started shaking.

"No one is ever ready for something like this." she hugged me. Is topped shaking and started crying. I really needed that hug.

** *****

The next Day I told everyone to come visit me at 4 pm. I have something I have to tell them.

They all arrived together. Which was a good thing I don't know if I could do this more than once.

Everyone was around me Julian was holding my hand, mom was sitting with Jack on her Lap in the big chair, Tommy and George were by the door And Patty was standing next to me. She knew what I was about to Tell them and I needed her support if anything went wrong.

"I decided I'm gonna get help for my problems. I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist."