This isn't the end

VALERIE

The party was a disaster. I had a fight with April and after that like it wasn't enough I had a fight with Felix. I can't wait for mom to come back.

When she came back today she looked even more tired than when she left. It must have been the chemo. She has breast cancer. We found out about a month ago and that is when my whole life turned around. I don't know how to tell April so I rather didn't say anything, I haven't even told Felix yet. I will let her rest for a a couple of hours before we talk.

She woke up at 7. I decided to make her some christmas Tea which is her favourite. She looks extremely tired. She has big bags under her eyes and her hands are shaking.

I put a cup of tea in front of her on the counter.

"Hey mom. I need some advice."

"What is it honey?" she looked extremely tired but I need to talk to someone.

Before I knew it I told her everything from the beginning of the school year.

"It all started when me and Felix got together. I really like him. We were together everything was perfect. I was having the time of my life. I had Felix, my life was perfect. Until me and Felix had Sex after his party. I thought it's gonna be great, romantic. You know a perfect night. But it was awkward, awful. I know we were a bit drunk . But still I thought it's going to get better. That night April ran off from the party and I was really worried about her too. Luke had asked me about her a lot, I even gave him her number. I didn't think anything of it at First. But then as they started talking more in school I Got jealous. When they drifted apart I felt relieved. I didn't want to share by bff with anyone. Or so I thought. But then when she started talking about Julian... "

" Who's Julian, sweetie? " she interrupted.

" Hm, April's friend, boyfriend. I don't know. What they are." my voice cracked.

I Got lost. Where was I. Oh right Julian.

" when she was talking about Julian I could see how her face lit up. She looked Happy. Then I realized I don't want anyone else to make her Happy. She's mine. That's why when she told me about them going out I freaked and pretended that I forgot about it. But I can't get it out of my head. And at the party we had a big argument. I hadn't even noticed that anything was wrong with April. But what she told me, screamed actually at me. I realized I love her. And I wasn't fair to her. We've been distant. Very distant lately. I don't know why. After the argument we were alone, me and Felix. I was extremely disturbed. I wanted to talk to April But he wouldn't let me I wanted to make things right with her. Tell her about you and Felix. So under false pretence I told Felix i'm going to the bathroom while actually was going to talk to April. I saw her and Julian going to the our backyard and so I went there. But when I Got there. I saw them kissing. It felt like someone literally punched me in the stomach. I couldn't breathe. And then I went into the bathroom and cried." I broke and started crying. I knew half of what I said didn't make sense.

Mom stood up and came to hug me. We were standing like this for good 15 minutes until I calmed down.

" Sweety from what I heard you don't like Felix. I think you're in love with your Best friend." she didn't' seem surprised though.

"You know I noticed how when you talked about her your eyes lit up, how you talked about anything she did with such enthusiasm. I saw How you two cuddled and looked at eachother. But I didn't want to say anything. I knew and I know that when the time is right you two would do something about it." she coughed, clearly exhausted.

"Mom, how. I didnt even know myself until recently." honestly the only person whom I talked about me possibly liking April was Tommy. But even I wasn't sure then. I mean he confronted me about our cuddling and why I gave her the heart necklace. He figured it out. But I denied it. I was with Felix. And I Don't like girls. Except her.

"a Mother knows their Child better than they know themselves."

I looked at her and gave her a hug.

"do you think I should talk to her. Clear things up?"

"I think you should talk to Felix First. He deserves to know the truth."

She was right. I have to tell him the truth. I have to Tell him that I don't love him anymore. That maybe I never did.

************

On Monday morning I decided That I'll talk to Felix that day. I was a nervous wreck all day.

We went to his house after school. We were home alone which was good. I didn't want his whole family to listen to our breakup.

"hey, V, you seemed distracted today. What's up?" he started making some Tea.

I had a knot in my throat. But I managed to say "we need to talk. "

He stopped and turned to me. He was extremely calm.

"I have to Tell you something... I don't even know where to start. Fuck. I'm Just gonna say it. I'm not in love with you. I never was But I did like you tough." I could hear his deep breaths.

"it's not you. It's me. I think..." honestly I didn't know what anything of this was.

"It's about April right?" I looked at him I didn't see sadness in his eyes, just curiosity.

I was shocked. How did he know?

"Yes. I think i've been in love with her even since before we were together." I felt relieved when I said that. And it felt real.

After a minute of silence he said: "I love you. You know I love you. That's why I'm glad you realized, finally, that you love her. I mean how could I not. Last year you two were all over each other. Half of the school thought you were together! And when we got together I thought I...." he stopped.

" I'm so sorry Felix. I get it if you don't want to see me anymore." I wanted to come closer,but he stepped one step back.

"I Just need some time. Please." he turned away from me and stared through the window.

This was my cue to leave. I started walking to the door. "i'm so sorry." I said One last time before leaving his house.

I sat in my car, turned the engine on and started crying. I don't even know Why i'm crying. I don't love him. This was supposed to be easy. Then why the hell did I feel like I Just lost him forever. But I did the right thing. For him and for me. I couldn't lead him on anymore. Tommy was right I'm in love with April.

When I stopped crying, I found myself in April's driveway.

Since I was feeling courageous I decided to talk to her too. I Just hope she is alone.

I rang the doorBell. She opened the door. Even when she wasn't wearing anything fancy she looked gorgeous. I saw she was wearing a hoodie that clearly wasn't her because it looked extremely big on her small figure. My heart clenched.