My Best Friends Wedding

Blame Yourself

He held out his hand for me and I reluctantly took it following him out to his car. I didn't know if there were any neighbors watching or who was going to see me holding Jon's hand, but I was afraid someone was going to tell Rick. After all of the fights and arguing since Jon showed up at the house I just wanted it all to end.

"You hungry? We can pick up some food and go have a mini picnic or something"

I shook my head and looked at him confused "We just ate. You're hungry again?"

He smiled and started the car and started driving. I was so lost in thought. There were so many things going through my head. I couldn't imagine what he needed to talk to me about. I glanced over at him and watched him for a minute while he concentrated on the road. I missed him, but I had shut him out after the wedding. He made it clear that I wasn't what he wanted anymore. He abandoned me. He left. I looked down and half smiled while picking at my nails. I couldn't help but think of all the fun we used to have and all the things we'd been through. The car jerking to a stop rattled me from my thoughts and I looked around...Henderson Creek. We used to come in here high school to talk and escape our family lives.

I exited the car and smiled looking around

"Well, at least you're smiling"

I nodded and half smiled looking down. I squealed and laughed as he picked me up over his shoulder and carried me down to the creek. He gently set me down and I playfully pushed him as he smiled.

"SO the old Maddy does exist in there somewhere"

I chuckled and shrugged looking down. We stood in silence for a minute until I heard the plunk of a rock in the water. I looked over and smiled at him. He hadn't really changed much, but I had. I had become a shell of myself and I knew it. I could see it and feel it. I didn't want to blame him...I blamed myself. I should've learned to let go a long time ago...when things went south and we didn't talk for all those years. I thought I had gotten him out of my system and then poof he calls and I come running.

"Maddy...why didn't you ever tell me Carly was mine?"

I looked up at him shocked that those words came out of his mouth. He stared straight ahead watching the water trickle over the rocks.

"I dunno" I shrugged

He turned and looked at me annoyed by my answer

"Madison...stop lying. Did you hide her on purpose?"

"Yes and no" I mumbled

"Why?"

"Shit was so...complicated? I became a basket case when you asked me to be part of your wedding. I thought I didn't care about you anymore, but I was lying to myself. I was still madly in love with you and you kept....teasing me. You kept letting me believe that you still loved me too, but you married Julia instead. You did all of these things right to my face knowing it was hurting me. I know you knew. It was just like high school when you knew I liked you and you paraded Lindsie around in front of me with no remorse. How many times did we almost sleep together that week? And then you show up drunk and we sleep together and you took off. No note...no calls....no...anything. You married Julia and that was that. If you still loved me you wouldn't have married her...you...."

"Stop Madison. You have no idea. I thought I'd gotten you out of my system when I called you to be a part of my wedding. I didn't realize that the feelings were still that strong until I spent some time with you. I should've known better. And yes, I did know how much I was hurting you that week. But I couldn't hurt Julia either. Yes, in the end it was a horrible mistake and I shouldn't have married her. I slept with you because I loved you, not because I was trying to be a prick or because I was drunk. I did it because you were the only person on my mind. Julia was an after thought. She was our entire marriage. Why do you think she threw me out? You. But regardless I had a right to know about Carly."

I cleared my throat trying to hold back the tears. "Me?"

He took my hand and pulled me closer and hugged me. I stood there unsure of what do to do. I didn't hug him back. I was afraid that if I did everything was going to come flooding back and I wasn't sure I wanted that. He pulled away watching me confused by my reaction...or lack there of.

"What's wrong?"

"I have Rick. Where were you 4 years ago? Rick makes me....he makes me hap..."

"He makes you unhappy. I know I screwed up....a lot....but Maddy please. If not for yourself do it for our daughter..."

I pushed him back and glared at him shocked that he would even make that kind of a statement

"OUR daughter? Don't even try to insert yourself into this. You have never been here...ever...at all...."

"That's not MY fault Madison. YOU shut me out. YOU hid her from me. Don't you dare try to act like or treat me like a fucking deadbeat parent when this whole situation is YOUR fault. YOU created this NOT me. Carly is my daughter regardless and you better figure out how to get her out of this situation before I do it for you. I don't care if you don't want me or whatever, but I do care about Carly. We both grew up with shitty parents who hated us. I know that asshole doesn't like her..."

"He's not an asshole! He's been more of a father then you have ever been"

Jon's POV

She'd changed so much. She knew exactly how and where to hit to cut deep. This wasn't my Madison. I knew she was in there somewhere, but the walls were so high I wasn't sure I was ever going to break them down. Everything was an excuse, a deflection, a way to keep the responsibility or blame off of her. This argument had me completely fuming. I didn't even want to be around her right now. I turned around and walked up to the car and leaned against the hood. I rummaged around in my coat pocket pulling out my lighter and pack of cigarettes. I lit one and took a long deep drag closing my eyes letting the smoke slowly escape my lips. Madison started walking towards me and I groaned in annoyance. I just wanted to be left alone to cool down, but seeing her just made me more irritated as I paced angrily in front of the car. I took a drag as she approached and blew the smoke out quickly

"You know it's not my fault Madison. Stop fucking blaming me for not being there. Blame yourself. Don't you dare ever say that your fucking asshole, high priced lawyer boyfriend is a better father than I am. First of all you never gave me a chance to be her father. I had to find out in a fucking diner on accident. How fucked up is that shit? Huh? So how is that shit fair to me? What? You got nothing? You just gonna stand here and blankly stare at me? Hmm?"

I searched her face waiting for some kind of reaction or something until the tears started streaming down her cheeks. The cigarette was almost gone at this point so I tossed it down and stomped it out and pulled her closer. She collapsed into my chest and I wrapped my arms around her tight and sighed closing my eyes. And now I'm the asshole.....great. The intention of coming out here wasn't to make her cry. It wasn't to fight. Hell, the original intention was to just get away and relax and see if I could get her to open up a bit. Bringing up Carly wasn't even supposed to be part of it...guess that's my fault this time. I kissed her head and held her close

"I'm sorry Maddy. Please don't cry anymore. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted to bring you out here to talk and relax. It's my fault."

She shifted wrapping her arms around my waist and held on tight. I smiled hugging her tighter and rest my cheek on top of her head whispering

"I love you Maddy."