Broken

Excuses

I wake up because something is ticking me nose. I open my eyes, Carl smiles at me and I smile back.

I wake up again because something is tickling my nose, Michonne is propped up on her elbow next to me.

I can't stop the tears or the sobs. "I can't do it alone," I whisper against her shoulder.

"You won't," she says, "I promise you that you won't. I would never make you go through this alone."  

"Why are we staying with Nana?" Julia asks as I help her pack her bags, "Because there are ghosts here and Eugene has to get rid of them," Mika says quickly. 

I smile at her, "Exactly," I say. Julia nods in fascination, "I think you're all ready," Michonne says. I nod as I grab up Julia's bag and my own. Michonne's and the kids' rooms are on the second floor, Mika, Julia's, and mine are on the third floor. 

Julia and I set our things up in the same room. I couldn't stand to be alone right now. RJ and Judith are so excited that they get to be with Julia more than they are normally. 

I put my clothes into the dresser, "Why are you really living with us?" Judith asks from the door to my room. I close the drawer, "I don't want to be alone," I tell her.

"You're not, you have Carl," she says. 

I sit on the bed, she moves to sit beside me, "You don't have Carl anymore though, do you?" she asks.

I shake my head, "Not anymore," I say. She sits up on her knees to hug me, "You still have us," she says.

"Thank you, Jude," I say. "Mom sent me up to get you for dinner," she says. I follow her down the stairs to the dining room. 

Dinner is good, I don't eat much but I eat enough to stop Michonne from force-feeding me. I go up to bed straight after.

"Hey," Mika says as she opens my door.

"Hey," I say as I sit up, "Come here," I say as I hold out my hand. She snuggles down beside me and I cuddle her. 

"Are you okay?" she asks. "It's just harder to lose someone like this than it would be if he died," I say, "How are you losing Carl?" Mika asks, "He left to be with Mazie," I say. 

"The doctor in training that you sent to the Kingdom?" she asks, "That one," I say. I feel so drained and weak, "He loves you," Mika says, "He loved me, if he still did, he wouldn't have done this," I say. 

Mika nods, "That makes sense," she says. "You should get your homework done," I say as I rub her arm. "Got it," she says as she gets up, "I love you," Mika says. "I love you too girly," I say with a smile.

I get up, I decide to go for a walk. Michonne is going over something at the kitchen table, "Where are you going?" she asks, "Just for a walk," I say as I grab my jacket.

I leave the house to go to the bridge across the lake with the water mills on it.

The sloshing water blocks out other noises I might hear. I sit down with my knees up to my chest on the wooden platform.

It's a cool night, but not so cold that I'm shaking. "Hey," I hear someone say. It's Alex, "You keep appearing," I say.

He drapes a blanket over me as he sits down, "Is it so odd that I actually care?" he asks.

The street light a few yards away flicks on. "No, it's just I don't really know you," I say, "You had med training, you can track, shoot, probably survive outside these walls for a while."

"You wanna know?" he asks, I nod, "I do too," he tells me, "Quid pro quo?" I ask. "Quid pro quo," he says with a smile.

"What's your whole name?" I ask, "Alex Graham West," he says, "Yours?" "Elaine Grace Dixon," I say.

"Who were you before?" Alex questions, "A teenager, a scared one," I say, "You?" "I was in the academy," he says. "Like the FBI?" I ask, Alex nods.

"Why were you scared?" he asks, "My family situation wasn't the best, my mom and Daryl were split and it- it was Suzan. It just wasn't the best," I say.

"How old are you?" I ask, "Twenty-nine," he says, "You?" "Twenty-four, I'm gonna be twenty five in the summer," I say.

"You knew Negan before right?" he asks, I look at him, "What?" I question. "Before the war," he says, "Before he killed Glenn and Abraham?"

"Why are you asking this?" I question.

"I was there when he brought you in," Alex says, "I was the one that Daryl-, I tried to help you," he says. "What?" I ask, I stand, "No," I say. 

I press my knee against it as I pull it open to stop it from creaking. I don't even shut it. Instead I run down the hall and toward the room I was in before.

"Where do you think you're going?" someone yells. They grab my arm and push me against the door. Everything feels  so far away, "Are you okay?" he asks. 

I nod, "Come on, let's get you to Carson," he says. I shake my head, I try to push him away from me. He has soft brown eyes, "Daryl," I mutter as I grab the doorknob. 

The door opens inward and I yell as I fall back all of my support was coming from the door. The man is shocked too because he falls forward onto me.

I can't breath and the man scrambles off of me, I watch as Daryl grabs the back of his shirt. He drags him backward before he starts punching him. "No! Daddy, stop!" I yell as I rush toward the two.

Daryl wraps his hands around the man's throat. I grab Daryl's are to try and tug him off. "He wasn't going to hurt me!" I yell. Daryl pushes me back, I fall to the floor.

The edges of my vision are blurry and I can't breath.

I push myself up, men rush into the room. Negan kneels down in front of me, "Are you okay?" he asks. I nod and look behind him, men pull Daryl off of the man that tried to help me. 

"It was a mistake!" I yell. I stand up and Negan grabs me by the waist to hold me back, "PLease! It was a mistake!" I yell as I try to get him off of me. "Let him go!" I scream. Tears pour down my face.

"No! NO! You promised!" I scream as I struggle to get to my father. Negan throws me over his shoulder, "Fucking bastard," I yell.

I close my eyes, trying to clear the images from my head. I stand up,"I don't want to think about that," I say.

"I'm sorry," Alex says, "I didn't mean to bring up those memories."

"I should go," I say as I walk away from him. 

"Just wait," Alex says, "I just wanted to get to know you, I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Well you did," I say, "Elaine," he says as he grabs my arm. I look up at him, "Let me go," I say. 

He nods as he lets me go. I walk quickly back to Michonne's house as I pass Negan's place I hear him call my name from the window. "You okay?" he asks, "Yeah, I'm fine," I say, "I'm going home," I say. "Have a good night, Elaine," he says.