Let Live (An Austin Carlile Love Story)

Six Degrees of Separation

Tyler's P.O.V:

It was completely dark in my room, not a single sliver of light peeking in from anywhere. I liked it that way; I didn't want to see the light. Light made me think of happiness, which over the last 3 days was a foreign concept, an emotion I no longer knew how to feel.

I shifted in my bed, moving from my stomach to my side, facing the wall before me as I stared at nothing. That's what I felt; nothing. I felt like I was nothing, like I was empty, drained of life. I readjusted my headphones just as the song changed, something much softer flowing through my ears.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are.

Great. Coldplay. 'The Scientist.' Just peachy.

Nobody said it was easy. It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

Yep, here come the tears again.

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, oh in a rush to the start.

I sobbed loudly, the music almost inaudible as my cries echoed in my mind. It was times like this I almost regretted my decision to end us. It was times like these when I felt so alone that I wanted to pick up the phone and return one of the hundreds of missed calls from him.

But I didn't. I wouldn't. I remained detached from the world, wallowing in my self pity, reminding myself that I had left him for a reason. It wasn't just some stupid little fight about who should take out the trash; it was about my future, a future that he didn't support or understand.

I had wanted him to be included in my future, but if he couldn't be happy for me, if he couldn't at least pretend to be, there wasn't room for him there, as much as it pained me to say so. And it did. I ached at the thought of never having him sleep next to me again, never feeling his arms wrapped around me, hearing his distinct heartbeat as I rested my head on his chest.

The thought itself almost killed me. I had loved him with everything in me, every fiber of my being clung to him, wanted him, begged for him......needed him. I never thought that I would actually need somebody, that I would feel like I couldn't live without them.

I knew I could live without Austin. I just didn't want to.

But I have to. If I want to really live I have to let him go, as much as I want to cling tightly and never loosen my grip on him. I wouldn't put my life, my hopes and dreams, my goals aside for anyone, not even Austin. I had hoped I would never have to choose between love and my future; it shouldn't be an either/or situation, but too often it is for one reason or another.

Coldplay faded out, being replaced with a piano, and a soft, pretty voice. My iPod somehow was picking out the songs that fit my mood, my situation. 

So hard to see myself without him. I felt a piece of my heart break.
But when you're standing a crossroad there's a choice you've gotta make.

Carrie Underwood always knew just what to say.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt, I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I love to get onto the other side
I guess it's gonna break me down, like falling when you try to fly
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.

This is why I love music so much. It's always there for me; when no one else it, when I'm not even there for myself, it's always there, ready to speak the words that I'm unable to, ready to bring my feelings to light. I hope that one day my music will be able to do that for someone. Maybe one of my songs will save someone's life, like so many songs have done for me.