Memory Jar

Chapter 5

Merlin looked like he was on the verge of crying. He looked at Arthur like he was the one who was supposed to forgive him.

Arthur opened his mouth, but no words escaped his lips. They never did when he was confronted with information that made absolutely no sense to him.

"I don't understand.", Arthur said. He had the vague feeling this wasn't the first time he said this in a very short time. Not that it mattered anyway. Arthur was usually clueless.
"Did your king order you to?"
Merlin shook his head. No? That baffled Arthur. Merlin had killed someone deliberately?
Also...
Merlin barely knew Arthur. He had no actual reason to tell him any of this. He had no obligation to do so.
He didn't owe Arthur an explanation. He didn't owe him his loyalty, nor his honesty.

"It was a choice.", Merlin said and hid his face in his hands. Sir Gareth had finally grabbed his weapon, waiting to run Merlin through. But Arthur held him back with his arm.
Because the mere fact that Merlin ought it reasonable to tell them beforehand showed his courage and his honesty. And more than anything, that he deserved to be listened to.

"What choice?", Arthur asked, as Merlin failed to elaborate.
But a part of him already knew.
"I don't remember.", Merlin said and the guilt in his voice echoed through the forest like a secret that was never meant to slip out.

Arthur blinked. What had Merlin said just yesterday? 'You don't understand, Arthur. I have killed for my destiny, I have betrayed my friends. And I don't even remember.'
He couldn't be mad at him. Merlin was a good person. He believed it, truly. Had from the moment they met and the boy decided to spare a girl a pointless death. And instead given her a flower.
A flower which still resided within his cloak. Blue leafs unharmed, as though it was magically kept alive.

Sir Gareth frowned in anger, his position shifting into a more offensive one. He was ready to fight. But Arthur still hadn't moved.
Then again, there was a major difference between Sir Gareth and Arthur.
Sir Gareth had no idea what it was like not to have your memories. To wake up to a place you've never seen before. Where you wonder if anything else that you find vaguely familiar had always been a mere dream.

Arthur knew how it felt to wake up to strangers in strange places. And while Merlin's experiences were slightly different – and less severe in the amount of time he had lost, they were far more intense.
Merlin knew he was a murderer. A killer. An assassin. But he lost his reasons, his goals. Why he abandoned himself and his morals. That was worse than Arthur's fate.
If your past self is forgotten, you can still reinvent yourself. But facing the consequences for actions you took – without knowing why, leaves you utterly unprepared. You can't change yourself, because you don't remember where you went wrong.
And you will live in fear of repeating the same mistakes again and again.
It is a circle you cannot break from.

Arthur felt, it wasn't his place to judge Merlin. And yet, Merlin's sorrowful expression more or less asked for it.

"You should talk to her.", is what Arthur said. And it was the most reasonable thing he had to say.

Merlin looked up, expression turned to something close to doubting Arthur's sanity.
Sir Gareth stared at Arthur equally baffled. But with more vigor behind his eyes.

"You can't be serious.", they both said at the same time.

Arthur sighed. "Guys, I know my sister. She is a kind hearted person. I know you hurt her, Merlin. Which is exactly why you need to talk. She isn't malicious. If you explain to her as well as you're able, she will understand. She may not forgive you.
But at least then you tried. And at the very least, you've given her an option to express her feelings on the matter as well."