Memory Jar

Chapter 8

"What if I am the prince?"
Merlin and Arthur hadn't spoken in a while. And with a while they meant about two hours. It felt like an eternity though.
Arthur had sat down at the lake – trying to catch his breath, while Merlin was panicking because of the sudden confession.
"What will you do then?"

It's not that Arthur wanted to avert the attention from their sudden – situation. But a part of him felt like he didn't really care. This wasn't truly about his feelings. He hadn't even recognized them yet. They were just there. They were suffocating, yes. But Arthur wasn't a possessive person. At least not that he knew of. He had convinced himself he would be fine – as long as Merlin didn't throw him out completely.
And he was certain that Merlin was a better man than the man knew himself. He wouldn't throw Arthur out for maybe being in love with him.

"Why do you even ask that?", Merlin asked, as he had just arrived at the shore and decided they needed to talk about what happened earlier.

The question itself irritated Arthur. Who wouldn't be? Of course Arthur would be worried. No matter how they moved on from here –
Arthur could be the prince. That much they had already established before they left Gwaine. It had been just a thought then. But it seemed to make more and more sense, the more memories returned.
Arthur needed to know how Merlin's view on him would change should it turn out the truth.

But Merlin was just as irritated about Arthur's question. The answer should be obvious – right? Arthur didn't have to ask a question he already knew the answer to, right?

"Because.", Arthur said and paused. "The prince of Camelot does not exist. Neither do I.
Everybody forgot everything that has somehow to do with me or the prince.
You are a warlock who has been in Camelot for years and you forgot that you used to be a servant. The only explanation I can come up for that is – that you were a servant to the prince himself. You must have forgotten, because your position doesn't make sense – when the prince doesn't exist – and -"

"Stop."
Arthur closed his mouth and looked at Merlin. His face was twisted painfully. "We've talked about this, Arthur."

"I know.", Arthur gave a short response.

"I thought you wanted to talk about what happened earlier?", Merlin said and pulled his legs closer to himself. The wind rustling through both their hair. The air tasted fresh. But not like salt. The water here was sweet instead.

"I am." Arthur turned his head to Merlin meaningfully.
"No you're not. This has nothing to do with earlier!", Merlin replied.
"I am. Merlin – don't you see that who I am has everything to do with the fact that I -", he paused and inhaled a deep breath as Merlin just rubbed his neck embarrassed.
"I came here to find myself, Merlin. And to figure out who we were together. And this -" he took another deep breath.
"It would make sense, don't you think?"
'It would make sense, if I was the prince.', he didn't say. But Merlin knew what he meant.

Merlin looked down. "I don't want to know.", he said quietly.

Arthur frowned. "Me neither." A quiet question passed between them. But the silence was not an answer either of them could live with.

"Didn't you just say -"

"I asked if you think it makes sense. I am scared, Merlin.", Arthur paused again – waiting for a reaction. Which came in Merlin staring at him with an open mouth. Understandable. Arthur wasn't the easily scared type. And Merlin had a feeling that Arthur wasn't afraid of what Merlin would do, if he was the prince. More of the knowledge himself.

It was confirmed by Arthur's explanation: "If I was the prince – don't you think that would be awful?", Arthur shook his head a little.
"I would have left the entire kingdom by itself for more than a year. I've always thought of the prince as a coward. Now my head is hinting at the possibility that I AM that coward?
I don't want this. This responsibility - I have no idea about it.
And I could never be sure if that truly is who I am. I have nothing to prove it with. Who would believe me? In the end I would just be turned away from the crown as an impostor. Or killed or framed or something like that. I would be unable to ever change anything. It would torture me for the rest of my life to think I should have saved everyone. And realize I never had a chance. I would never have a choice!
I don't want to be the prince. I really don't."