Memory Jar

Chapter 11

Arthur returned to reality screaming. If he had thought returning memories little by little had hurt, it was nothing compared to this.
His scalp felt like it might burst. His brain pounding in his head. Black dots danced in front of his eyes. Scratch that, his entire vision was black. The dots were pieces of reality that hit his see nerves. And caused immense pain.

The pain stretched from his head through his nerve system down to his guts. Making him wonder if a heart was allowed to race that fast. His stomach clenched and none of this felt in any way pleasant, like falling in love might feel.
Arthur felt sick, as his legs gave out under him and he had to steady himself on the new sword he had already stuck back into the ground.
He was heaving, not even sure whether he was grabbing the handle or the blade. He couldn't make out if the pain from his hands came from being cut open or from the pain in his entire system.

He could hardly keep it in him, as Lancelot tried to help him. Not that Arthur noticed his presence at all. Arthur threw up. It must mostly be water, because hadn't eaten anything yet.
He heard someone jump back in surprise, probably trying to avoid the radius of poor pain that Arthur felt. Or the vomit. Probably the latter.

It felt like the pain wasn't just in himself anymore. It was outside him. Punching him again and again. Forcing him to remember a past that even without physical pain – broke him in half.
Slowly – far too slowly- the pain ebbed away.
Leaving only the mental pain.

His only waking thought was Merlin. But for once – the thought didn't make his stomach flutter. For once it didn't brighten his day.
It did the opposite. It made him feel sick.
Merlin had lied to him. Merlin had murdered his father. Merlin made everyone forget about him. Merlin had tried to kill him too. Merlin sneaked back into his life. Kept him away from Camelot. His throne. His responsibility. His destiny.
Merlin was at fault for the pain he had just felt. Merlin had betrayed him. Merlin had magic.
Arthur was breathing heavily.

In theory he knew this wasn't fair. That Merlin didn't remember either. That Merlin had been ordered to do this. But Arthur was human. And humans are irrational sometimes. All this knowledge so sudden and so painful, it erased everything else. Right now, there was only pain and betrayal.

Merlin had kept secrets from him. Merlin had made him believe he could trust him. All this pain that had been neglected for him. All these things he had a right to know. That he needed to know – Merlin had sweet talked them out of his mind. Made him believe it was better not to remember.
Made Arthur trust him. Made Arthur love him.
No.

Arthur shook his head. Merlin must have enchanted him.

He felt hot wet tears falling from his eyes, felt the heaving of his chest more than he heard his own whimpering sound.

Slowly – the feeling calmed and ebbed away too. The pain washing away slowly. But it left a throbbing sensation everywhere in his body.

Someone touched his shoulder, but he slapped it away. He turned his head, anger in his eyes.

"Arthur. Can you tell us what you saw?", Lancelot said calmly, but Arthur's eyes just narrowed in his hatred.
This wasn't Lancelot's fault. He didn't remember either. But -
Arthur felt another stabbing pain in his heart. Lancelot had married Gwen. And if Katie's letters had told him anything – Gwen was pregnant with their second child.

Arthur closed his eyes again. The betrayal of magic – it had even drowned out what else was supposed to be important to him. He didn't blame Lance. He didn't blame Gwen. But they could never get back to the way things were.
He had loved Gwen. And that feeling had just returned and made him feel hurt and betrayed as well. Yet – being rejected didn't feel as bad as feeling used.