The Nightwatch

COURAGE

25

After Wade got me out of The Mercenaries' agency and after he shot my father dead, we rushed into a hospital. I wasn't conscious at those times kaya hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang eksaktong nangyari.

But the doctors said that I was poisoned, that explains all those blood vomit, excruciating headache and sudden weakness. They must inject it into my body while I was unconscious.

They even said I got too lucky that I was rushed into the hospital not any later that I did, because if I was siguradong hindi na ako humihinga ngayon.

Even after knowing that Arthuro is dead and his agency was finally exposed to the public making the police handle their case, I can't still seem to get over.

I still feel this huge loathe towards him even if he's no longer in this world. Remembering all lives he took from me, I don't think he'll suffer enough down in hell.

At doon ko lang din nalaman na hindi masa-satisfy ng pag-kamatay niya ang tila apoy ng galit sa aking puso. Death can't give us the justice we want. But maybe I just have to accept it all.

His death won't bring my love ones back nor it would fix anything in my life. But knowing he doesn't exist anymore is a huge relief, it only means na wala na siyang ibang buhay na masisira.

Everything happened quickly after I got discharged from the hospital. I suffered from extreme depression and trauma. That's why we never came back at the old house we used to live.

Wendy decided to put us someplace that is peaceful and away from the noise of the city. After I got out from the hospital, we are now staying on a cabin house at the top of the mountain.

Dito din ako patuloy na ginagamot by regular visit of a trusted psychiatrist. At first I didn't want to admit that I needed help. I refuse to admit to myself that I am going under some depression and trauma from the absurd things that happened to me.

But no matter how I refuse, everyone can see how bad I get everyday. I started to experience having no sleep at all. Kung dati ay nahihirapan lang akong matulog pero ngayon ay literal na wala na akong tulog. Even Wade can't put me to sleep any longer, cause he's not usually around.

I barely see him and when we see each other we barely even talk. I don't know why, but with my depression I lost my interest to do the things I used to love before.

I scarcely go out of my own room, even convincing me to eat is a struggle for all of them. I lost an enormous amount of weight. My body isn't receiving enough nutrients that my hair we're all started to pull out of my head.

I hardly talk nor cry. I make no emotions at all. I stopped making efforts to fit in. Hinahayaan ko lang maramdaman ang lahat. I am well aware of all these things happening to me, though I am always quiet pero sa loob ng isip ko ay doon napaka-lakas ng aking boses.

"It's been 3 months, Bree. But we're making no progress at all." Drew is currently sitting on a single couch infront of like he always use to. I started seeing him for a while now. Wendy was the one who suggested him.

"Maybe because I don't want to progress at all"

"You know that it's not possible."

Every single day that Drew comes in to do our session, I always look at him straight to his eyes. And I know he see no emotions from my face. Hindi dahil tinatago ko ang aking mga nararamdaman. But because this is what I really feel. I feel nothing. Numb and empty.

"I used to say that too, there are certain things that I thought would be impossible. Not until one night my family got massacred and two of my friends got killed."