My Story

The fall back

Hey its been a long time sense i wrote again allot has been going on i don't really know were to start but its always worth a try. 

So I'm addicted to cutting again i don't really know why i started it again i really thought i could control it it hurts actually 

i woke up on the bathroom floor my first thought was why i am i down here 

but sense i still was on the bathroom i could take a shower as well. 

I turned on the water as hot as it could go and under the main time the water got warm i started to take my clothes of and when all my clothes were of i looked myself in the mirror well i can say i don't remember myself anymore i see someone else then the one i wanna be. 

When i was done looking on the one that wasn't me i steped in to the shower and this is were i saw the razor on the bathroom shelf i took my arm out to take it.

As i stood there and the hot water was poring over me i slowly started to remember how to take the razor blades out of the plastic thing i started to take the blades out there was a big bang on the bathroom door i got scared and kinda jumped and under the same time cutted me on my arm i started to feel this rush i hadn't feel for so long it felt so good it was like i was flying that i was unstoppable if you know how it is to take a drug and get high that was kinda how it feelt, i started to yelling and hearing more bangs on the door it was Haley that needed to go on the wc enjoying as hell so i just ignored it and finally she gave up and took the bathroom upstairs insteed i don't really know why she didn't do that at first.

I still stood in the shower there was no hot water left only cold water i was freezing allot i was basically shaking but i still stood there totally paralysed i could move a little after a few minutes i turned my head around and looked myself in the mirror my lips were totally purple blue because i was so so cold i saw blood strings crawling down my arms along with the cold water i still couldn't move from.

I falled down on the floor i rememberd my arm fall straight out on the side i looked on my arm and saw all the blood that started to ran out on the floor i then looked upp on the roof and feelt how my tears flowing down my cheeks and my last thought was I don't wanna be me.

That's pretty much all that i can remember of that day i don't know if i on my own walked out of the bathroom or if i got carried out by my sister.

After that i was hopilesed for six weeks cuz under the time i stood in the shower i didn't realize how deep i was cutting cuz i was so depressed i could easily have taken my own life that day. 

Now my cutting problems had gotten worse then ever cuz when you have gone so far that you don't even realize that you are killing yourself something is so wrong but is still think i don't wanna be me i have nothing i have lost it all well in my head i have 

i just wanna to fit in like an ordinary girl just for once a minute that's all I'm asking for i don't wanna be like this and now you properly think what the fuck you can do something about it well to the one how think that right now it takes allot to stop cut or take drugs or what ever your addicted to..  some people  don't know how far you have to go be for you realize and saying that that you are dying cuz that is kinda what a depression does it kills you slowly it can take away your family youre friends on a mather of seconds that's how fast it can go  

Ive lost the feeling to eat now as well its just like i wanna lay down in a grave and die but i know there is some people that don't want that so i gonna continue fight trough my cutting problems and my anorexia i will win sooner or later 

well that was all for now i will write more sooner or later