Cherry

3. it's not you and it's not me

Same lips red, same eyes blue

Same white shirt, couple more tattoos

But it's not you and it's not me

***

Cash

I half expected him just to show up. I wanted him to just show up, but he didn't. I couldn't blame him, we hadn't talked in months. He probably hadn't even realized what day it was. But knowing Gemma she would have reminded him.

I decided to have lunch with Niall that day and write. Niall had become such a good friend, we were really close. While Niall is very cute I could never date him, we were happy as friends and that is all we'll ever be. My heart is still Harry's, whether he wants it or not. 

I wanted him to knock on my door and hold me. I almost called him, but I broke my phone. If my phone would have still be working then I would have called him. It was always at night when I felt it the most, the grief. The realization that he was gone, my dad, the person I was once so close to was no longer here. I couldn't call him or hear his voice anymore because he was gone. 

I was scared of myself that night, how deep and dark my spiral was. I didn't know what I would be capable of so I took sleeping pills, I figured sleeping the night away would be better than anything else. 

My therapist was disappointed, she didn't say it like that exactly but apparently I needed to work on my grieving and coping mechanisms. While she would never tell me how to grieve she would tell me when it was destructive and harmful, I guess taking sleeping pills counted as harmful. I just didn't want to feel anything and it's not like that happens often, that was the first time. 

It was Sarah's birthday today, she wanted me to go to her party. By party, it was just her close friends at her and Mitch's house drinking wine and eating dinner. Harry would be there, as much as I wanted to be selfish and say I couldn't go I know I needed to. I had been too selfish lately, but Sarah was understanding. She never pressured me. She was starting to like the new Cash. The Cash that began to put herself first, the Cash that started to set boundaries. I was liking the new Cash too. She was stronger, more brave, not afraid of things anymore. The new Cash was adventurous and wanted to make memories, she didn't run from her past anymore.

I wanted to make memories with one person, unfortunately that person has moved on. At least, that's what twitter tells me. I know taking information from twitter is stupid, really stupid. Especially because I know Gemma or Sarah would have told me if he was seeing someone. In case he was and they hadn't told me, I didn't want to ruin it. If he was finally finding happiness with someone else I didn't want to stand in his way. I loved him too much to do that. 

I walked to Sarah's house. I had been doing that a lot lately, walking. It settled my nerves and it was peaceful. I'd listen to music, mostly 60s and 70s music. It cleared my head, tonight I needed to clear my head. It was about a 15 minute walk, not too long. That was the perks of living so close to my friends. 

When I arrived at Sarah's, Mitch answered the door and hugged me. I had a small present for Sarah that I was sure she would love, it was a silver charm bracelet that held different charms that she would know what they meant. I got myself the same one so we'd match. 

"Sarah," I hugged her tightly. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you, you know the drill with drinks, oh hang on," she said as another knock came from the door. I placed my gift for her on the table and took off my jacket. Her house was always my favorite, it was so homey. Her walls were decorated with pictures of friends and family.