Cherry

8.you are on my mind

***
you are on my mind
and i think about you all the time

Harry

I knew I should have stopped this before it went too far. She was pretty distant the whole night and kept drinking so much wine, I truly didn't understand what she was thinking. She seemed comfortable on the car to the restaurant and she seemed like she was enjoying Blair's company, so why did she feel the need to drink so much?

"I'm so sorry," she gasped with her fingers on her lips as she pulled back. Her eyes were wide like she didn't know what just came over her. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Her pink cheeks were flushed with embarrassment.

I was right, she didn't want me anymore. The rejection hurt. I just felt like I wanted to cry but that would make things worse. Instead I smiled and pushed back my hurt and told her it was okay.

I ordered Ice cream for us and we sat silently with the music on the radio playing while eating our ice cream. I needed to get over Cash, I couldn't keep pining over someone who didn't want me anymore.

"Harry, I-" we were driving back to her house now after we finished our ice cream neither of saying anything.

"Cash, it's fine. We're friends now, you had too much wine." I tried to convey in my smile that I meant it, it was okay, when in all actuality I wasn't okay. I felt like I was getting dumped a second time.

"Right," she said taken aback by my words forcing a smile. I hated that I couldn't read her anymore, I didn't know what her facial expressions meant anymore. "Well, thanks for the ride, I'll see you later?" She asked stepping out of the car.

"Yeah, goodnight Cash."

"Goodnight, Harry."

Why did this feel like a goodbye? On my drive home I just cried because I guess it was finally over, I spent the time we were apart to reflect on who I was and took the time to decide who I wanted to be, I waited for her. I guess we grew apart too much.

Before I knew it I was at Sarah and Mitch's house. Mitch answered the door and I guess the look on my face told him all he needed to know before he hugged me and led me inside. I felt numb. My Cash was no longer mine. I had to force myself to accept a new reality that we would just be friends.

The next week passed in a blur of crying and writing. One of my friends, Alex, was setting me up on a blind date tonight. He told me I needed to get out of my "Cash fixation" and move on. I didn't really want to but I knew I needed to do something to get over Cash.

I hadn't spoken to her since our make out session. Apparently that night Cash called Sarah who then left Mitch and I to go see her. When Sarah came back later that night she didn't say anything she just went to their room. I assumed this was some "girl code" or maybe she wanted to spare my feelings about Cash regretting the kiss.

Either way it hurt like a bitch. Alex set me up with a girl named Ella and her pictures were gorgeous, I couldn't lie. She was so different than Cash though. She has short black hair, caramel skin and no tattoos. She looked very innocent compared to Cash's nose ring and tattoos. I tried to settle my nerves as I drove to the restaurant. I wasn't nervous because of Ella, rather the fact that I hadn't dated or went on dates in about 3 years.

Sitting with Ella at dinner just reminded me even more of how different she was to Cash. Ella wore her heart on her sleeve. She was very pretty. She enjoyed talking about politics and actually found my jokes funny. Cash would laugh and then tell me to stop making to jokes, I was too cheesy.

Ella limited herself to two glasses of wine, she liked to be in control of her surroundings. A stark contrast to Cash a week ago who was drunk at dinner for a reason I was still unaware of. Ella looked at me with fondness as I spoke and had her body turned towards me. Her lips were always pressed together as she listened to me. Her face stayed neutral.

Cash would give facial expressions to absolutely everything I'd say and her lips always fixed in a pout occasionally licking them to wet them. Cash would grab my hand and squeeze it when she knew I needed some form of comfort.

Ella wasn't Cash and I had to remind myself to stop comparing them. After dinner I drove Ella home and walked her to her door. She made the first love and lightly pressed her lips to mine. They didn't fit how Cash's lips fit. Cash was made for me, my thoughts reminded me. She just didn't want me.

Ella smiled before pausing as she was going to open the door. "Alex told me your ex really did a number on you," her voice was sad as she spoke, feeling sympathy for me. "You're not ready to move on, and that's okay Harry. You have to take time to heal."

I don't know what came over me but I said, "But I need to be over her, I'm getting over her. I'm sorry if I seemed preoccupied in my thoughts. I think you're lovely and I would really like to see you again."

"Call me if you feel the same in a week," she smiled before kissing my cheek and leaving me outside.

I walked back to my car and drove home. I actually felt okay tonight, a feeling that felt so foreign now. I wasn't happy, I didn't feel good, just okay.

The only person that ever made me happy was Cash but I needed to learn how to find happiness with someone else because Cash didn't want me.

***
i miss having you by my side
when you were mine