Cherry

9. you weren't down for forever and it's fine

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I know, you know, we know 

You weren't down for forever and it's fine

***

Cash

"I feel like such an idiot. Everything was going so good between us. I was feeling so self conscious in front of Blair and I don't even know why! Then I kissed him, Sarah I made out with him in his car and that's not how I wanted it to happen. I wanted to be sober and tell him I wanted to try again but he was looking at me and singing that stupid song and I couldn't help myself. I told him I shouldn't have done that but that didn't mean I regretted it," I was panicking. As soon as Harry dropped me off I called Sarah to come over.

I ruined things, big time. Harry and I were getting to a new place in our friendship and I wanted to tell him how I was feeling, that I wanted to try again if he wanted too. But I had to drink. Blair was gorgeous and cared about social issues and was so smart. Harry looked at her with fondness when she spoke and I just couldn't stop thinking, maybe that's the type of girl he wants. 

"Cash, call him, just talk to him and explain everything. You and Harry used to be so open in your communication," she pointed out. 

"Sarah I can't read him anymore. I used to be able to sit in a room with Harry and I knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling. I used to know when to squeeze his hand because he needed comfort. I used to be able to look into his eyes and see how he felt. I don't know any of those things anymore so if I talk to him I could just ruin this more."

"If you don't talk to him you can ruin it, what do you have to lose?"

"Him." I sighed letting my tears fall. 

Why was this so difficult. If Harry and I didn't have so much complicated history maybe things would be different. Sarah left shortly after this before urging me to call him but I couldn't. Something was keeping me from calling him. 

I felt like everything was getting shaken up, it felt like an earthquake. I was happy I had a counseling session tomorrow.

"Cash, I think you're scared of letting Harry back in fully. You told me that things always came up in the past and it was never, 'your time'. This is your time, you are both single. You are in a much better head space and healthy. What is so scary about getting back out there?" My therapist spoke as I sat in her office. This was one of those lay down on her couch moments because I felt like I could pass out.

"Losing him the first time was almost unbearable. I would call his mum or sister just to hear how he was. He understood me better than anyone, he could make me laugh and smile when I was having the worst day. He helped me with loving my body. He helped me write songs. He was the person I would wake up to and go to sleep with. He'd call me just to hear my voice or tell me some stupid joke he heard. He'd call me just to tell me he missed me. He always knew exactly what I needed."

"It sounds like he's your soulmate."

"Do you really believe in that?" I asked her looking up to her. 

"Yes, maybe I'm a hopeless romantic but that is how I feel about my wife, she understands me in so many ways that I don't even understand. It sounds to me that you lost your person for a year and a half. You had to be that person for yourself. You've grown so dependent on yourself, which is a good thing. It shows that you can be okay on your own but that doesn't mean you have to be on you own. You spent this last year being single and finding yourself and learning how to love and live with yourself. That is the most important lesson because if you can't love yourself then you can't love Harry. I think you're scared because you know that this time would be different."