Cherry

5. there's a road I know I must go

there's a road I know I must go

even though I tell myself that road is closed.

Cash

"Ya nervous?" Niall asked me sitting on a chair in my kitchen. He was having girl problems and needed advice, so naturally he calls me. Because I am in a position to give advice. 

"Yeah, things were just so. . . different last night. It was a good different," I assured. "Just different. It's crazy, I mean still love him, I think I always will but what if I love the version of him from one and a half years ago."

"Harry is Harry, who he is at his core won't change. He may change in other ways though. Maybe he'll be more confident or more shy. Maybe he'll like ketchup with his eggs," he joked making me hit his arm. "All I'm saying is, He is still himself, in the same way you are still you. But you've changed in some ways as well. Just, don't put pressure on it."

I nodded agreeing, I was overthinking this. Harry was still Harry. He would still have his morals and foundation he may just be different in other ways. 

"Anyway, tell me about this girl," I smiled looking at Niall blush.

"She's absolutely gorgeous and has a heart of gold. Seriously she fights so passionately for what she believes in and I think that's what I love the most, she uses her voice for the voiceless. She is so passionate about helping others." Niall's eyes lit up as he continued to list different things about her he liked. I loved seeing him so passionate about someone. Niall was the sweetest guy I'd ever met, sweeter than Harry. He was scarred from his last relationship, which we both were able to bond over, and he was scared of his feelings.

"So, what are you two? friends? went on a few dates?"

"No! I mean we've only met each other a few times which is why this is so scary. I shouldn't be having these feelings right now. I can't even ask her on a date, what if you came?" His eyes were so hopeful and I frowned.

"Niall, I love you but having me third wheel with you and this girl is not a good idea."

"C'mon you can invite someone! A double date!"

"Who exactly would I invite? I'm not exactly dating." I pointedly said. He gave me a mischievous smirk and I immediately shook my head. "No, Niall, no."

"C'mon! You know he would say yes, I can even ask him!"

"Niall, Harry and I are exes, not exactly who'd you want to go on a double date with." He was crazy, there was no way this was happening. 

"But you've been getting along! You're going to his bloody house tonight! Alone. For dinner." He wiggled his eyebrows making me hit his arm. "Please, I know you and I know Harry, it'll make me more comfortable. She's special."

His smile and pleading eyes made me soften, he obviously cared for this girl. Which is how when I found myself at Harry's house I asked him to have dinner with Niall and his crush, Blaire.

His eyes widened a little shocked. "I didn't know you two were so close," he said. I couldn't decipher his voice but I thought I heard a tint of jealousy?

"We actually ended up having a lot more in common than I originally thought," I shrugged trying to ease his tension. I wonder if he knew how much I still love him? "I'm sorry to ask you, he just really likes this girl and was practically begging me."

"No, it's no problem."

We continued with a bit of mindless talking as Harry poured us each a glass of wine. His view from his new house was stunning, the way the sun set over the ocean was dreamy. We talked about the horses, music, Gemma. We were skirting around the questions we really wanted to ask each other. We shared very brief but flirty physical contact through handing each other different things in the kitchen. His eye contact still had power over me making want to confess all my feelings that still lingered.

It was amazing that while everything about being with Harry felt familiar it also felt so foreign as if I was exploring a new part of LA. I knew LA like the back of my hand but there was still always something new and exciting. 

"How's mags?" He asked referring to my grandmother. My heart swelled as he asked about her, their relationship was always so unique and I honestly thought she was more heartbroken than me. 

"She misses you, she says it isn't fun talking about my mom in French without you," I laughed making him chuckle. 

"I'll have to call her." His eyes searched mine knowing my answer would tell him if I wanted this. If I said 'no' it meant I wasn't inviting Harry back in my life, it meant after our dinner with Niall and Blaire we probably wouldn't see each other again, like this. If I said 'yes' then it meant I wanted him in my life, I wanted the intimacy we had, I wanted to try us again. 

I didn't know what I should say. On one hand I wanted to say 'no'. I wanted to try to move on from Harry because I still was upset that I had caused him so much pain. On the other hand I wanted to say 'yes'. Yes, because I know Harry is the right guy for me, I love him so deeply. I don't think I will ever find a love like his. An all consuming passionate love. One that left me dizzy from the simplest touch always wanting more. I guess I just didn't know if Harry still wanted me in the same way. If he didn't the rejection would hurt, a lot, but I'd have closure. 

"She'd like that." I made my decision. I wanted Harry in my life, I'd be a fool to say no. I was willing to get my heartbroken again for him if it meant at least trying with him. I just invited Harry back into my life leaving myself fully vulnerable to whatever it is that happens between us. 

"It's so strange," he said shaking his head. My eyebrows pulled together as he continued talking. "You're the same yet so different, sometimes I feel like you're new to me." His words were slow as he grew nervous, not knowing what my reaction would be.

"I feel the same about you, the same Harry yet different. Sometimes you seem like my Harry, like when we were cooking and having mindless talk. Sometimes you don't feel like my Harry. It's not a bad thing, just not the same." I blushed at how open I was being and calling him, my Harry.

"I'm still your Harry," his honesty poured through his eyes as his fingers lightly touched mine on the table. "I'll always be your Harry. . . Maybe we just need to get to know new us." The way he said us made me weak, he couldn't possibly mean us us. He meant us as friends. I was sure of it. 

I couldn't tell if he was still in love with me. That was something I was always sure about, I used to be able to look into Harry's eyes and I could tell he was in love with me. His eyes now were more restless not telling me what he was thinking or feeling, which is partially why he felt like a stranger. I didn't want allow myself to go into this new friendship with the same expectations as when we were together. I just wanted to be friends because I didn't know how Harry felt and although I had grown so much confidence in the past year and a half I didn't have confidence enough to ask him. 

I made the decision that we were going to stay friends because being friends with Harry is better than not having him at all, this past year and a half without him proved that.

***

listen lonely seabird

you've been away from land too long